Options

There needs to be another option because you cannot see that I am the only option.

Why do you lie, you ask? Because you think that others care about who and what you are, but they cannot see past themselves to see who they are- and so you’re trying to see yourself through the eyes of another-and then you go unseen to all.

I cannot see anything but you and we are the same so I do not care about how you show up. I care about how you are, and even then I do not care.

You ask, what is the lie? The lie is how you recognize the truth.
The projection is how you see the reflection.
Until you can look into your own eyes, you will continue to stare aimlessly into theirs.

Do you dream of an end? Do you not understand that you never will? The answer is love, not grief- not death. You owe nothing.
You are owed even less.
There is no owing.
There is belonging and abundance. There is only begin again and again.

Inside out, rightside in

From my mouth
comes my soul
Turned inside out
from my toes
What was in, now out-
Exposed
From the depths of silence,
now told
And yet, clinging still, inside
Skin stretched too tight to hide
What courses deep within
denied
Those things left best behind
And surely,
it tears at the best of me
To know this could be the death of me
Even those parts
I don’t need to be
But still,
so much a part of me
That just to breathe
seems to suck me in
That to move without
seems to cave me in
That to end right here
Is where I begin

Stitches

“Rise up up up!”
Cries the soul
That you think you’re separate from
That it’s somehow dragging you along
Because you can’t see
That you’re kicking and screaming-
That you’ve torn yourself in two
And away from that which you are
And so,
“Come home!”
Cries the soul
And it seems a destination to you
When-
In fact
It is where you are-
Who you are-
How and when you are-
In the now of things
It’s the belonging
Your longing for
If you’d only open your eyes
To see….
That YOU are the door
In which you seek to escape-
That now is your time and YOU are the place-
That you are the journey,
The Destination-
The race.
That where you run from,
is where you should rest,
That your sense of failure,
Is because this isn’t a test.
It’s your life
It’s your soul
It is all things true
And now you can rest
In the quiet of you.

a love by any other name is still…

I’ll be the first to admit that when I write about God, I get uncomfortable.  You may find that….well, it may not make sense since I call myself a writer and call writing my calling…it would seem odd that what I feel called to do and by whom would make me uncomfortable, but it does.  I’ll hover over the publish button, publish anyway and then re read my own work ten times, debating on whether or not I over used the word…Which is also an irony- since God isn’t a word.  If you get what I’m saying, raise your hand.  Unless you’re in public, then just nod yes when no one is looking.

“I take my spirituality very seriously and God takes me with a sense of humor.”  Melissa

The thing is, life, mine and in general, has presented God as a lot of things and not all of them have been comforting, appealing, acceptable, or what the cool kids are doing.  Most times God has been a noun.  God has been fear.  God has been a way in, a way around, a way out, but rarely and if ever, a way through, for most of my life.  It’s not that I never believed in God, it’s that I didn’t believe in God as it had been presented thus far, nor could I find the words, and then later the courage to express God as I felt God.  Is anyone counting the number of times so far that I’ve used the “word” God?  Are you bothered by it?  Nod your head…Me either.  I’ll tell you why- not why you aren’t  bothered, but why I’m not bothered.

It’s because when talking about God as if He is somehow a force outside of myself that I can choose to acknowledge or not- when God is a word, not even a noun and definitely not an action- then I can say it all I want.  God. God. God.  See?  But when God….speaks…nope.  THAT’S uncomfortable isn’t it?  When God tells me…nope.  It’s still speaking- voices in the head and all that.  When He becomes Him, I worry that I sound crazy.  I worry that I will have to explain to someone (crazy, because as of yet, no one has asked) what my knowledge is of church, or scripture, to which I would have to say, minimal at best.  I tell people to never go unarmed into a battle, yet I’ve got no sword.  Not even a shield.  Apparently, at some point, his Holiness got all sneaky and instilled within me, faith.  He’s like that- sneaky.

I’ve read over countless religions- I love them, but not the bible.  I actually bought a bible last year- a blue one.  Why blue?  I don’t know.  I only bought it because I kept seeing scripture quoted in my books and couldn’t believe that stuff was in there!  I rarely read it.  I have my Healer for that and anytime I have questions, she knows the answer.  She could run with the best of them I bet…and when I need a good bible story that resembles my life at the moment- she has one.  I love them, but to be honest, she tells them better than the bible and she looks better in blue.  When I talk to her about my relationship with God, which is the same but yet completely different from her relationship with Him, she gets it.  When I’m with her, it’s all God this and God that and God just said to me…and you know what she does?  She nods her head.

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved.  So, I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons.  It all exists, even if it’s in your mind.  Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”  John Lennon

“And now these three remain; faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.”  Holy Bible, KJV

I know that for a long time I was afraid of God.  For a long time I longed for Him and yet, ran from Him too.  It’s possible that I did all three at once for most of my life.  When I was 10 I used to keep the bible open to the Lords Prayer on my bed.  I’d make the bed perfect and then open the bible to that prayer and prop it up on my pillow all day.  I don’t know why I did that.  I wanted to prove that I was worthy of the love of both of my fathers.  That’s my best and most honest answer.

There was a time in my life when people actually considered me an atheist.  I never was.  I was…unwilling.  Unconvinced.  Stubborn as cold molasses really.  I’m not sure God ever really proves himself to us no matter how many years we spend running around and screaming, “Prove it!” or how many times we set ourselves up for failure and then say, “HA HA!  I knew you weren’t real, or THAT would have never happened!”  The first time I read the God Memo in Og Mandino’s book, I was halted by the line that says, “Answer me.  Answer yourself.”  Because I had no answer.  Not a very good one anyway and definitely not one that would stand up in the court of my own law.  Upon realizing that God never judged me, I realized that the true crime was in the way I had judged myself AND God.  That was all the proof I needed.

So, here’s the point where I become uncomfortable.  I knew if I wrote long enough, it would happen.  It took 32 minutes.  The Queen would just assume that God and all of his characters, all of their perfectness, and acceptance- their lack of judgement and punishment, would just take a flying leap.  And that’s putting it nicely.  She’s also quick to remind me that God is a sure-fire way to push people away from my writing and alienate myself and any future I may have as a writer.  I mean, I love Joel Olsteen, but at about chapter five, I shut down.  I get it.  I’m nodding my head.  I’m raising my hand.  Hell, I’m waving both hands in the air with white flags, “I surrender!  I surrender! But please stop with the God stuff already!”

“Riches take wings, comforts vanish, hope withers away, but love stays with us.  Love is God.”  Lew Wallace, Ben-Hur

Recently I’ve tried a little experiment;  Replace the word God, with the word Love.  One in the same and for those of you who have been nodding your heads like some kind of freak in the coffee shop- you not only get it, but you can put your hands down and stop looking silly.  It’s not really a surprise to me that it works out rather well.  So well in fact that if you’d like to see the truth of God, just use the word love.  I’m never going to quote scripture without reading it and my bible is too far away, plus it would take me hours to find an example, but it’s not a far reach to get my point if you just take one negative God comment and insert love- Like any statement where someone says “God hates…”  that’s ridiculous.  First of all, God can’t hate and second of all, neither can love.  We can play semantics all day, but really- if your neck hurts and your arms are sore, it’s not much of a reach.

I feel more comfortable with love.  Au contraire my friend…Not with Love itself, but with the word.  It’s a process.  Baby steps.  Forward, backward, sideways.  Two step here, on my knees there, proclaiming, stuttering, professing, denying.  Yet it’s true, Love remains.  See?
God remains.
Love remains.
It works like that.
On my arm is a tat that says, I am.  God is.  Now.  All of this is true, but it could just as easily say, I am.  Love is.  Now.  Within those five words are a statement, a fact and a choice and thankfully, flexibility too.  If God makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay- he can work with that.  If love makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay- it’s patient and kind.  God doesn’t care how you hear him best- as long as you’re listening.  He’s more about love than right or wrong.

“God descends to earth like fresh spring rain, and at every level his grace is received differently.  For some it feels like love, for others like salvation.  It feels like safety and warmth at one level, like coming home at another.”  Deepak Chopra

I know now that change is often the routine.  That I find more happiness in a different path that leads to the same destination once in a while, as opposed to dragging myself through the same traffic every day.  I know that most of life isn’t about what we do, but how we are doing it and sometimes, how life is doing us.  It’s a beautiful chaos, a fractal, like in the soul of Mack in Paul Youngs, The Shack.  God…Love, is the force that makes sense of the beautiful mess we create.  It’s what tends the soil and plants the seeds in hearts long forgotten.  Remember, the sun shines even on the cloudy days.  Even if you forget that it’s there, it doesn’t forget you.  Even if you forsake it, it will not forsake you.  Love remains and it will not force itself upon you, but oh…it is a force to be reckoned with.

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” John Wayne.

The craziest thing about my journey is that I’m scared of just about everything.  Scared of what people will think, scared that I care, scared of what I will uncover next, scared that I can’t dig fast enough.  I’m scared of the whole dying unto myself thing and scared of the redemption.  Amazingly enough- it’s fear that keeps me moving forward. It’s why I walk into the fire- am I afraid of the burn?  Yep.  But I crave that release…the moment when I rise from the ashes and find myself here, pondering whether or not I’ve said God too many times and if love would somehow make us both more comfortable…Then noticing that I used God way more times than I’m comfortable with.  It’s like that.

A love story with willingness.

I’ve always wanted a love story. That perfect tale of how I see things in my mind to manifest itself into my reality. Apparently the Queen had different ideas. I think she wanted the love story too, but she knew that she could never survive under such conditions and so she had to destroy every attempt…It was a misunderstanding really- Had she known what love was, what my self was trying to teach her, she would have welcomed it into the kingdom. But she didn’t, and she still doesn’t. The Queens job is not to know. It’s to react and to protect in the face of what she deems a danger. It’s to survive.

“Reacting is a survival skill. You aren’t supposed to survive love. You’re supposed to live it.” Melissa

My love story looked exactly as the Queen and I saw it; A fairy tale doomed to failure. A happy ending marred by self sabotage, created out of fear. I had all of the best intentions and not a single clue as to how to bring them from intent to action. I saw love as a beautiful thing between two people. I saw love as a noun, not an action. I saw it as a threat. I saw it as a beautiful wreck. Love was the possibility I saw in everyone…except me. Everyone was worthy of love, except me. To prove that, I would do some of the most unloving things you have ever seen, effectively making myself unlovable. Knowing this about myself has led me to see it in others. I can’t stress it often enough- you will hurt others to the degree you are comfortable with being hurt. You will not hurt them more or less. It’s to the exact degree. You will allow yourself to be hurt to the same degree. It leaves you with one option; Become willing learn to love yourself and tell a new story.

A love story is going to look exactly like you see love. If you find yourself saying things like,

“I don’t understand why this keeps happening.” or “I always pick the same type of person.” or “I really thought this time was different.” or “I never saw that coming.” or “I never expected this.”

OR any other comment that feigns surprise, stop. Take a deep breath and get ready for a big dose of reality. That’s a check your pants for flames, lie. Maybe the surface you doesn’t know the truth, but I guarantee that YOU do and the Ego, absolutely does. That’s why it’s afraid. That’s why it reacts like a wounded dog ready to attack. We have brought that which we most fear, that which we say we DO NOT want, into existence by acting as if the behavior that makes it so either belongs to the other party involved, or that it doesn’t exist at all, let alone within us. How can you stop what you won’t open your eyes to see? Have you ever played dodgeball with your eyes closed?

Before you panic and start running for the “It’s all my fault” martyr cape, let me stop you. The world is two things; projection and reflection. So, even though it’s not really any of your concern because you can only do you, it doesn’t mean that the other person involved is without…issues. What it means is when two people collide the Universe uses them as shovels to dig up all of our crap and as buckets to carry it around. Both of these are optional. You don’t have to do a damn thing. You don’t have to dig your stuff up, or carry it off to the emotional baggage dump either. And you can trust that the Universe will not leave you to become the cat lady or the parents basement dweller in mid-life . Unless you choose that, of course. No, the Universe wants you to learn and it will provide the material each and every time. THIS is why you find yourself asking, “How could this happen again?” When you finally listen, you will hear God say,

“Because you didn’t get it the first ten times. Maybe you have given up on you, but I won’t. And you can’t give up on love because you ARE love, you just can’t see it yet. So, get your book bag, we’re going to school.”

Worst case scenario is this; You keep ignoring your intuition (God, Universe, etc) and the lessons get harder…But you can choose something different. You can choose to stop and say,

“Okay. I really don’t want to do this anymore. I really, really don’t. So no matter what I do, or how many old tricks I try, please God, make it impossible for them to work. Just take all of my crap that is clearly in here somewhere and make it unavoidable. I’m going to stop grasping at what I think I want and wait for you to hand me what I need.”

This is willingness. When you have that, the Universe will unleash events at such a rate, both good and bad, painful, and creepily magical, that you will want to take pictures for proof. The thing is, in the beginning we have to learn the “me” all over again. We have to go back to a time before we were broken and reclaim that part of us. Your love story, like it or not, keeps going like it is because that’s how you see love. Not really how you want to see it, but on a core level, exactly how you see it. Think rose colored glasses. You want to see rainbows and unicorns, but when you take the glasses off you see clouds and…I don’t know…trolls?

You have to live love. How you live your life is how you live love. That’s your story. If you live in fear, lack, poverty, addiction, abuse, in any form, that’s your love story. If you live as a victim, that’s your story and that’s how love looks- victimizing. If you are angry all the time, then that’s how love looks- angry. I’ve lived my life under the lack pretense; there is never enough money, food, help…and in turn, there is never enough love. I can’t get enough, I can’t give enough. My life was lack and so love was lacking in both directions.

If you want your love story to change, you have to learn how to tell the story of love. You have to research love. Obviously I had no clue as to what it was on the level that could effect change. I had to read. I went to therapy. I read more, talked to people that seemed to have what I wanted, but most of all I became willing to the idea that I had no idea what love was or that in the least, my idea of it may be a bit off the mark. That’s sin, by the way- to miss the mark. The greatest sin we commit is the sin against ourselves because by sinning against ourselves, we sin against humanity as a whole, or against the people closest to us. Our children, our significant other, to name a couple. There is no separateness, remember? So, love takes research, be open minded and step outside your box. It takes trial and error so don’t take it personal when it seems to fail- God doesn’t do failure. He does try again. It takes practice and time to absorb. Like reading a good book and then letting it soak in…Then read it again.

We are always disappointed that it didn’t look right. Feel right. Go right. It didn’t act right. It was all them. It was all her. It was all him. Stop that. It’s a lie. It isn’t what you see, it’s how you’re viewing it. It’s what you’re viewing it through. Can you even view something you don’t recognize? Be honest, have you ever seen love before? Some of us have- remember that now;

The birth of a child.

A kiss on the beach, in the snow, at sunset, on the lips, the forehead, a scraped knee…

Clasped hands between an elderly couple, high school sweethearts, parent and child.

A moment in time when you cried, not because of sadness but because in that moment you knew relief that came in the form of good deed.

Think now of the times in your life when you knew on a level you could not articulate, that you were actually and without doubt, love. Now, are you living that? Probably not. It’s HARD. People don’t go around telling you to love. They tell you to be careful. Don’t give too much. Don’t put it all out there. Watch out. They teach how love should look, but not how to be love. What is your refrence point for love? Do you have any idea what you’re looking for, through and at? The Course in Miracles says we view everything through the past. I think that includes love. How can you be what is if you’re only seeing what was? It’s our misinterpretation of how it was misinterpreted to us. There was a breakdown along the way. A rearranging of the heart and soul.

I keep faith that nothing is wasted. That we do the best we can in any given moment. That everything is as planned. But, sometimes I look back and see that I knew better. I could have done better. But I was afraid on so many levels and for reasons that seemed both many and overwhelming at the time. I see now that the reasons are really quite few, but the fear…It’s the fear that is overwhelming. Being without fear though is a choice. Being without love isn’t. To be without love is to be without yourself. You are love. All of us. Yes, ALL.

I work every day at my life and I slip every day too. But once you’re willing, it just comes. To be honest, I though I was so cool. SO ahead of the game. And then the Universe handed my ass to me. I think that you become more and more willing as you go, which I was. Really. You’ll say, “Lord, Universe, I’m willing!” And then they’ll show you just how unwilling you still are. You’ll see that thinking you have it all figured out is really just a form of unwillingness. There’s an art to being willing- it’s called MORE willing.

The restoration of The Godlen Rule

“Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

To be honest, I don’t even know who wrote that. It hangs above the door of my house. It causes me great grief right now to realize how often I and my family have walked in and out of that door, under that sign and done damage to others as well as ourselves. Perhaps it should read,

“Don’t go near others until you, yourself, have healed.” or just simply

“Tell the truth.”

Because really, that’s what it’s trying to tell you. In my case, and I imagine in a lot of other cases, God isn’t telling me to literally go out and do to others what I do to myself. He’d never stand for such crap.

When God wanted me to finally get it, he put the weapon of mass destruction in my hands. He did what he does best, he gave me a choice. And then he caught me when I fell because I made the wrong one. He is helping me to make the wrong choice right. That’s what God does. He does not give you magic powers, he gives you free will. Making the wrong choice right takes time. It’s like everything else- a process and you will feel as if it is not happening fast enough. You will find yourself in the middle of the pain you caused yourself and another, in the middle of the hurt and anger (which is fear disguised) of another person and unable to get away from it. It will burn. Here’s the key- let it burn. Let it burn and change you, warm you, reduce you to ashes, and then like the mythical phoenix, rise. But don’t run from it. Don’t pick up the buckets surrounding you and throw them at it! That’s gas! Those buckets are full of justification, defending, righteous indignation, doubt…all the making of a good old-fashioned fire of fear. You’re afraid of the fire because it burns. Let it burn, don’t add to it. Let it go out.

It may not happen the way I want it to- like today when I want it to be all rose petals and unicorns and instead he is giving me…well, reality. The reality is that what we do unto ourselves leaks out onto others and in turn becomes what we do to them. I once told my ex that he leaks all over the place. I was right…and I was projecting. It doesn’t matter who leaked first, or more. We were just a leaky mess. When you do the work, you feel bad about the mess you’ve made but you know that the best thing you can do is ask God to help you clean it up and then not make anymore messes. It won’t be perfect. You’re going to spill. I just spent the whole night spilling the mess I made and had started to clean up. It’s almost like walking around, kicking things over is a habit in my lie…

HELLO FREUD! I meant to type, “a habit in my life”…but I see what you’re saying there, God.

I’ve spent a lot of time lying. I remember once Pema talking about lying and how she would tell a lie and then spend days trying to figure out how to tell the person she had lied until the lie was just so big. We do that. We do it with little things, big things, intentional and unintentional. Times when we wonder, why in the hell did I lie about THAT? Lies are fear. That’s it. I think the ego is the liar and the self is that crazy person going around kicking things over in the lie- kicking the buckets over so that you can’t throw anymore lies on the fire. At some point, you really will stop. Maybe not at first. Maybe you will still throw a few buckets of defense. A bucket of justification and a sprinkle of denial…but eventually you will stop and just watch it burn. Proof of process is when you do it for less time and throw fewer buckets. I’m down to less than 12 hours and fewer than 50 texts with not one lie in the mix.

But it still burns. It burns bad. I’m typing through an internal nausea that’s creeped up to my chest. To see, really see, what we have done to ourselves, we have to see what we have done to others AND what we have allowed others to do to us. Awareness is nine-tenths of the law in these parts. Being made aware is setting fire to the life you knew before- even if that was as early as last night. Buddhists say you should die unto every moment. I probably die about a hundred times a day. Human nature is to drag things out a bit. Being aware is that whole death and resurrection thing- but it is NOT the crucifixion. Remember- there is no life in the crucifixion it is in the resurrection. The rise, not the fall. The burn, the ashes, not the flames. We don’t jump into the fire, or we shouldn’t anyway, but we do sift through the ashes. We rebuild where they lay. If you look closely you can see clearly that the rebuild, lies within the wreck.

I may think I know what I want the outcome to be, but the Universe KNOWS what it NEEDS to be and until I relax into that realization, it’s going to be an uphill climb. I just spent hours resisting what is because it sucked. It hurt. It was humbling and I felt hopeless. I felt tricked. Like there was a right and wrong answer for someone else that I was never going to figure out because one, they don’t know the answer either, and because two, it’s not my answer. I desperately wanted the pain to stop for both of us. Knowing that I hurt someone is one thing, but seeing that hurt is another. However, pretending it isn’t there is not an option. The fire was set and it burns…I quit throwing fuel on it just 23 minutes ago and sat down here to tell the truth. My truth. That’s the only truth you can live. The rest is speculation.

And cue church bells ringing in the distance. No, really. Church bells are ringing. I can hear them. And end scene. AMEN

The best Valentine’s day…ever.

It started with coffee with the Queen.

Actually it started with her reminding me over and over…and over again, that today was that love holiday. Why do I need a special day to tell you that I love you? I don’t. Why is it yet another day out of the year when I spend money on my kids to buy them presents as if I’m obligated to do so? Anyway, it’s love day and I’m minus the self required love this year, which the Queen has reminded me of while I busily continue to hate and dismantle its relevance.

I go to Starbucks for coffee, which I swear I’m going to quit drinking, but I talk myself into it by saying it’s what I’m getting me for love day- to prove how far I have to go on my self-love issues I’ll be honest and admit that I had a freebie coming. Yep. Couldn’t even buy myself a cup of coffee. Maybe I love me and I’m just cheap? While in Starbucks I notice that all love day advertisements say, share the love with EVERYONE…or, share the love with your FRIENDS. It’s very politically correct. Like that whole holiday fiasco that’s gone from a respectable black and white to an uncomfortable shade of Chartreuse. ‘Friends’ and ‘Everyone’ are indicative of people like me who don’t have someone special perse, but instead must have an everyone or at least friends that I can love instead. I haven’t checked lately, but I’m curious as to what the divorce rates are these days if the Coffee Soul Sucker is being so vague as to whom I have to share with this year…

I’d like to point out here that a very old habit of mine is being noticed. Okay, not just noticed, but stared at for a long enough period that it requires me to catch you doing so. I used to say that I was just comfortable being me- and that’s the truth, however, I’m also uncomfortable being me more days than not and during those times, being noticed for my outside kept me distracted from the gaping hole inside. Remember, a habit is something we do to avoid what we need to do and don’t want to know about. Even if we don’t know specifically what we are avoiding, we are most definitely aware that we are avoiding something and it’s internal.

This habit, for me, must be about five lifetimes old. That’s a rough guess and I’m relatively sure that one of those lifetimes was considerably shorter than the others, so it barely counts. Also, it’s a habit that was supported by many, if not all, of the women in my life who had a direct influence on what I would retain as useful information to make it through life. It’s important to remember that it became a habit because in the beginning, it worked. Even if the way in which it worked had more to do with what we deemed necessary for survival as opposed to what we actually needed to live. I had no parents. My skill was getting noticed. It provided food, housing, clothing and at times, money. It helped me get my 1973 Lemans fixed when the brakes went out and I had no money- and that car got me to school and my job. However, like all addictions- the roots are in pain and avoidance. Most habits, even the ones we deem “good” can be bad if the soul intent is to avoid…I have a habit of avoiding things like love day through getting noticed. And so I did just that.

We’ve talked about this next part before, but I like to point it out so that you know there’s a reason we undertake this painful little journey- there’s a reason for the journey and the pain. It’s how you know you’re actually going forward…and that it’s better to go the route of the tortoise than that annoying and condescending hare…

I was standing there getting noticed…and it wasn’t working for me. It was actually making me feel sick. I remember once being so wired on coke that someone told me to smoke it and I got sick. It wasn’t working. I actually got scared because my drug wasn’t working anymore. I kept taking more! So as you can see, it really is a slow process! Today though, I didn’t take more. Not only that, but I had this new habit- the good kind, like eating healthy;

I was watching the Queen do her little number. I didn’t stop her, I just watched her. I was aware of her. I was aware that she was all in my mind. I was watching my mind go on and on in its little drama and then I swear, it/she turned around and looked at me as if I had caught her trying to smoke the cocaine that wasn’t working. So I took her hand and we left. There are very few times in my life that I’ve had compassion for myself. I’ve had hate, anger, loathing, and pity- a gamut of negative emotions and judgements, but compassion is a new one. In that moment though, I had it. I couldn’t let her go on like that anymore. We got in the truck and cried a little. I told her,

“Look, I know it’s hard. I mean it’s love day and here we are alone, but you know if we do that the Big Guy is just gonna shred it into pieces and throw it in the fire, so let’s just not. He can’t give us what we want if we are always grasping for what we don’t just to avoid the pain. We are just going to have to hurt through it.”

And then the Queen slinked away. You know, there may be hope for her yet and really, that was a damn good cup of six-dollar coffee for free.

A text message to myself: “I remember when all I knew how to do was blame everyone and everything else for my life and what happened to me. Even what I did to myself seemed caused by what someone made me do. And now…I can’t even look at anyone else but me. Everyone that would fit my blame profile is gone anyway. Sure, my ex lingers in my mind, the rebound came in for parts, the ex husbands are always here somewhere, but where I used to say, “Seeing you hurts me.” Now I only see the why of what I did, didn’t do or do still. Just me. And it should be fantastic, a gold star…It IS those things. When it isn’t sucking too.”

“It does not seem enjoyable, but you will learn to enjoy it because it is freeing you. In truth, pain is the price of freedom and the moment that you are willing to pay that price, you will no longer be afraid.” The Untethered Soul, Michael Singer

I went to my healer yesterday with all of this…Crying as usual, angry, desperate, hormonal. So grateful for the awareness that this raw wound in the middle of my chest where my heart is, is actually a gift. I used to think it was just my hormones on some sort of unbalanced suicide mission. Mostly because for more than twenty years that’s exactly what my period was. (sorry guys, but really, if you’re anywhere near women, or want to be, you seriously need to learn this stuff. And girls, if you’ve passed off your emotional tirades as “that time of the month” quit making excuses and start doing some research. End lecture.) Where was I? Oh yes, the healer and my daily fit- The thing is, like it or not and irregardless of whether you are ready to hear this, it is always you…but, sometimes things happen, pain comes up and out, issues bubble over to be sounded and simmered down, so that you can be prepared for what comes next. Think of your heart as the Universe’s prep table and the next time you find yourself asking what in the heck is going on with me, is it hormones?! Ask this instead, What’s the Big Guy cooking up now? It’s not like the answer is going to come to you right away, unless you’re, a) psychic, or b) that intune with God (which you aren’t or you would get the answer without asking the question) but it eases the anxiety and angst of the burning in your chest. You can rest in the awareness of knowing that this pain is going to pass and with its passing, usher you forward. You shouldn’t worry so much. Cry your tears, but get a good pair of walking shoes.

I left my healer feeling clearer, reminded of something that I had realized the other day, which I’ll save for another time, but the gist is this…never do it for the money.

In the grand scheme of things, you and I have no idea what is best for us. My mother died and I’ve been known to say it was the best thing to ever happen to me. Not because she wasn’t such a great mom, but because she did the best she could in any given moment, and what she lacked in life, she taught me through her death. I would not be here now if she were alive. God knew that. She learned what she needed to know and began teaching me what I needed when she was done. Knowing that my definition of an event as good, bad, or otherwise doesn’t change the purpose of it. It’s not easy to have faith, but if you do the answers will reveal that. Okay, quick example since I told it to someone else already-

In one of my posts I determined that I create lack. Money would be one area in which I do this. Financially speaking, and trust me, we have a whole other blog on this subject, I have been a wreck. Negate reasons right now. Me, money= wreck. Because I can’t trust myself with money, I am not going to get my raise or another job that pays me more. Why? Because I don’t trust myself with more. I don’t believe I deserve more. More money for me right now would just be more lack. So, had I gotten the raise, or the job that paid more, I’d just be financially worse off! Don’t believe me? I don’t blame you, but I’m in the middle of an experiment right now and I’ll keep you posted. Either way, I believe that the Universe knows what it’s doing and I just have to learn the lesson.

That being said-

The ex text me today. I know the number one break up rule, so don’t yell at me. Here’s the thing- It’s love day. An old habit was headed off at the gate this morning during coffee- why? Because you can’t get what you need if you’re tied up in some form of misguided mishap…When the Universe gives you a text from your ex on love day, after you’ve had coffee with the Queen, you pay attention. IF you are doing the work. I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. There is a lesson in everything- you however, do not determine the curriculum. Learn that and you’re headed for honor roll. Realize that every opportunity is one to learn from, even the painful ones, and you will learn. So here’s what I learned today.

If you can’t work within yourself, you can’t work within an “us”. On my best day, I walk with an emotional limp, well hidden by a free spirit and natural intellect. On my worst days, I am the biggest mass of codependency you’ve ever seen on hands and knees, probably begging for more abuse and gladly self inflicting it. Lucky for me that I have a lot of good days as of late, sprinkled with more best days and a narrowed down set of worst days. The above phrase came to me while I was talking to him- Negate what he did or didn’t do. He did his best in any given moment. The compassionate thing to do for both of us would have been to walk away, because let’s be honest, our individual bests were barely keeping us alive, let alone enough to sustain a functional, loving, productive “us”. And because I knew better- emphasis on I. Like it or not, the part about our best not being enough- that’s still true. A little more proof of the process, perhaps for both of us. This conversation today did not end in dinner date plans. I did not do my usual dance of seduction…that thing I do when I say all of the right things to push all of the right buttons that have always lead to us going to dinner, swearing this time is different and then collapsing under the weight of our own individual failings because nothing had changed, or changed enough. The truth is, I really want to do things different in my life and when you want that, you do EVERYTHING different and see where it leads. The truth is, sometimes being loving isn’t professing your love, but walking away to prove that you do. Believe it or not, and even though I secretly wanted the familiarity of the dinner date routine, not having it is the best thing for us both.

Does that mean it isn’t love?

Text to him: “I finally understand what Susan meant by “That’s all mind stuff.” When it is love, I’m not attached to it, an outcome or you. You can be you which is in essence, love and I can be me- also love. When I imbue it with a sense of responsibility, outcome, and or expectation, it isn’t love. So I do love you. It was love. But there were too many times when it wasn’t and for that I am sorry.”

That’s the truth of the statement. Love is simple, but our minds are not. Our pain feels overwhelming and it is, but we confuse quantity with quality. There’s no quality to your pain. It’s just pain. It’s not complicated. Enlightenment is turning the light on in your heart and realizing that there really is no monster in the closet.

Embracing change by letting go and realizing that change IS the new routine.

“You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything and permit the purification process to take place. When you do this, the first thing you will see is that situations will unfold that will hit your stuff, but in truth that is exactly what has been happening your entire life. The only difference is that now you see it as a good thing because it’s a opprotunity to let go.”

“Decide that you don’t want the weakest part of you running your life. You want to be free of this. You want to talk to people because you find them interesting, not because you’re lonely. You want to have relationships with people because you genuinely like them, not because you need for them to like you. You want to love because you truly love. Not because you need to avoid your inner problems.”

Both quotes are from the same book, The Untethered Soul. I was listening to it today and getting that feeling I get when my soul is about to shift. If I could get better at silencing my mind, my soul could shift so much faster. I go through this little conversation in my head where my mind tries to rationalize…like a brainstorming of my ego which has suddenly branched into a schizophrenic. Suddenly there’s logic, doubt, the Queen, justification, the defense team…but there’s this new presence-Me. The self. The me that has been here since the beginning of…well, since the beginning of me. So I watched the chaos in the war room. All that noise, that anxiety. Because they know that the end is near. That I’m figuring this all out and soon I won’t need ego to live on anymore.

It was Pema Chodron that first taught me of annihiliation. Jesus who first taught me of dying unto myself. You know, life is about death and resurrection. It’s a story as old as time. We die to who we were, the story. We die to our past. We die to old habits and bad behaviors. And we resurrect. The living is in the resurrection. We focus too much on the crucifixion. The pain, the blood, the injustice of how we die and at the hands of who- But upon closer study, you see that the wise ones chose to die. Remember that. They chose to die and not blame, judge, or resist. Because they know- and you know, that life is in the resurrection.

The top of the mountain- Tuck and roll.

The last thing I want to give you is today’s epiphany. I wanted to give it to you in my own voice, with my own words, but I can’t figure out how to do that. I know that writing it may not do it justice, but I hope it finds you as it found me. Let me tell you a few things about the experience;

It happened as I was checking out at the guard shack of the largest, busiest, most unprivate coal mine in the Basin. The guard shack lady, caught me. At what, you ask? At clapping and laughing. I was clapping for myself because I finally got it. Yes. Literally clapping. When I pulled away from the building, I had to pull over and let me tell you, I am not a religious person. I don’t have “a faith” but faith has me and so does God and at that moment, he almost had me on my knees for anyone to see, but he saved me complete humiliation and instead I did some weird little dance and laughed- a lot. Maybe it just looked like I had something crawling on me? Who cares! It was so wonderful that I found myself saying over and over, out loud- I love you God- and I meant it. I meant it like you mean it to an old friend, your first love, your forever love…It was the most perfect, indescribable feeling I’ve had yet. The first part is me coming to realization, and then you’ll be able to figure out where the Universe steps in and runs my mouth;

Transcribed from voice memo:

“So, I just realized that I actually learned to let it go. I’m sitting at North Antelope, at the guard shack, waiting to go, and I’m listening to my book and it’s talking about the noticer and how I’m not the jealousy and I’m not the pain, I’m the one who notices, I’m the one who’s aware of that. And then it dawns on me- I’m thinking about how my body is different (energy/anxiety reference) (laughter) It dawns on me that I did it! I let it go! I didn’t get caught up with it, I didn’t run with it…and it was so fantastic…I wanted to cry and that’s the first time (in a while) that I felt that good cry, that good joyous relief filled, God cry, where you just know that you’re finally making that progress… where you have that brief moment where you know….You’re on top of the mountain and you know- you know, you know, you KNOW that the valley is down there. You know that here in about…a week, you’re going to be on top of the mountain, sitting on your butt, getting ready to tuck and roll into the valley. You know that. But you love the top of the mountain and what you find at the top of the mountain is what makes that fall into the valley bearable now! Almost…almost wanting it! Almost just….telling the Universe, “Bring it on! I can do it! Let’s see what’s down there!” You’re thankful for the opportunity to stand at the top of the mountain that you know you are going to careen down at any given moment because you WANT to know what’s in there now! You really are tired of it. You don’t want a hug anymore. You don’t want somebody to come along and say, “Oh it will be okay.” You want to stand at the top of the mountain and say, “It’s NOT okay! Let’s see what’s down there. Let’s go look and see what it is I need to wade through and dig through and dig UP and throw out and replant.” And the next thing you know you’re not even in the valley anymore. You’ve started climbing up the hill and the top of the mountain is in sight and you are so….TIRED. You’re not even excited to get to the top of the mountain! You’re so TIRED of climbing and it seems like it will never end and God, it seems like the mountain tops get higher, and higher and higher….Which makes the view greater, and greater and greater. And the fall DEEPER. I wonder if someday you don’t just stand on a mountain top?”

The pendulum theory

“To rest in the center of anything means you know there’s utter chaos on either side of you.”  -Melissa

I remember when my life was nothing more than utter chaos.  Drama galore.  Defeat, pain, poverty, anger, illness…It actually causes me anxiety to look back over my life- even a year ago.  Six months ago.  A month ago.  Further back than a year and I feel as though I finally understand the whole out of body thing.  Let me rephrase- I can see how out of my ever-loving mind I was.  I can see, with compassion (finally) how much pain I was in.  How long I had suffered.  How much energy it took for me to blame the entire world- anyone and everything EXCEPT myself- for what was wrong in my life.  It takes a long time to get to where I am. To learn that accountability is not blame.  It takes a lot of work to not just find yourself always asking, in every situation,

“What is MY part in this?”

But to accept what you find.  To do it with compassion, mercy and forgiveness.  To brave the days of, ‘How in the hell could you be so stupid?!’ when the guilt weighs like a two ton lock and key around your heart.  To feel the epitome of self loathing and hate- the gut wrenching, sinking, desperate realization of, ‘Oh my God.  I wasted so much time.’

It takes even more work to get to the point when you stop saying such things because you know that there is no such thing as time wasted.  Perhaps you were just stubborn? That’s ok.  It’s that stubbornness that pulls you through now.  It’s not easy, this journey.  It’s not easy to go from living completely, consistently and habitually, “out there” to…well, to in here.  Now.

One of my favorite things about Buddhism is the complete and utter acceptance of “try again”.  The gratitude I learned to feel at being of half faith.  The knowledge of knowing how lucky I am to even want to take this journey- what a problem to have!  Loving kindness to ourselves…starting over every moment that we need to.  I love the acceptance because it breathes forgiveness.  It’s such a wonderful and light-hearted way to look at life and the chaos we create.  It’s such a comfort to know that at any moment I can come back to center, even if my pendulum is swinging like a mad woman.

Which brings me to my theory.

Today I was thinking, again, about isolation.  When you’ve spent your entire life avoiding yourself by indulging in everyone and everything else- literally living with your nose stuck exactly where it doesn’t belong, doing anything and everything to get attention, creating lack, abuse, craving drama, inciting drama, being drama, in one way or another- your pendulum is high and to the left.  It makes sense then that when we’ve lived our lives that way, the same pendulum is going to swing high and to the right for a while before it rests dead center.  It’s not that I’m isolating.  It’s that I’m growing and changing.  Maybe sometimes outgrowing.

Look, none of this is coming out right.  I’m tired and it’s so hard to write when I’m trying to balance being a mom and a writer and a giant pendulum.  But, I’m compelled to tell you that you aren’t isolating.  Every great prophet, and I’ll bet ones we’ve never heard of, had their time alone.  Jesus had forty days in the desert.  Buddha sat under the tree for forty.  Sometimes you have to walk away to realize what you want to walk back into.  People that can’t walk away, those are the ones you should worry about.  People that can’t stand to be alone, with just themselves- people just like me before I took my walk…When you realize that everything you do in life, and I mean 98% of it, is to avoid something…like how you really feel about people, food, your body, your abilities, your partner, money, Facebook, recycling, your parents, etc, you tend to pull in.  You tend to become a skeptic.  You start paying attention, not to why others do what they do, but why you’re attracted to them.  Why you do what YOU do. You stop throwing it all out there (pendulum left) and start throwing the masses scraps while you throw it all into yourself (pendulum right).

It’s ok.  Once you do it, you find out what and who really matters.  You will probably start recycling- I have a pallet patio and a pallet bed.  You will ditch cable, possibly red meat, all fast food, and you will realize that replacing your 1997 Honda with a BMW is not only sacrilege, but it causes you to break down in tears at the mere thought of not having that Honda anymore.  You suddenly understand right and wrong as an individual decision that somehow affects the greater good.  You really will do all of those crazy things books tell you to do and crazier still, it will work.  People will say you’re isolating.  You will lose friends.  You will find friends.  You will look at people who say you’re isolating -people that are distancing from you- you will see that while you’re fighting low and high tides, bleeding through a blog, possibly a bookshelf, and a pendulum, they are professing that everything just keeps getting better.  While you are constantly seeing how you have changed through actual events in your life, that they are still the same.  And it will drain you.  It will sadden you.  There’s nothing you can do about it- no fight you can have- mostly because you don’t want to fight anymore, but also because you know now that it won’t matter.

But you won’t stop.  That’s how you know that this time it’s the real deal.  Because this time, you may end up with a smaller friends list, a 97 Honda and a few curious neighbors, but damn it all, you will be happy.  You will be centered.  You will realize that now, while resting in the center of everything, the chaos on the right and left, has nothing to do with you…

A dance within my darkness

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.”   – Carl Jung

Let me bumble about here.  We can sort it out later, or as it usually happens, it will sort itself out without much help from the likes of me.  I’ll write this and all the while, I’ll be telling myself that it sucks and no one wants to read it.  And that may be true, but more than likely, I’ll read it and feel better- then I’ll pray that at least one person in the world reads it and feels the same.  This may also be true.  That’s good enough for me these days- that my friends is REAL progress!

It’s been a strange three weeks for me.  Who am I kidding?  It’s hasn’t been strange at all when you consider that all is as it should be- IF you stop trying to make it what it isn’t.  Three weeks?  Bah, I say.  It’s been years in the making, but really only since last May that things have been on this crazy, slow, crooked, forward, backward, spin in circles, stand still, wonderful, chaotic, beautiful mess of my life.  The last three weeks of which, things have been clicking right along at almost dizzying speeds, forcing me to stop and ask,

“Wait.  Did you see what just happened?  Good.  Me too.”

I’ve said before that once you shift and the Universe gets wind of it, there is no going back.  Heed my words here.  Recently I ended a relationship.  A relationship I had no business being in, which you can read about in previous posts.  But I didn’t end it honestly.  I didn’t set the best boundaries.  I set them, yay me, but not in a clear way- I set loophole boundaries.

Loophole boundaries are the boundaries you set which allow you to pretend that you never set them if, a) you get caught being dishonest, or b) that you can enforce if you don’t.

They’re basically crap.  Loophole boundaries were my new stand in for the back up plan.  The back up plan was my number one default behavior for years.  I would make sure that before I left, was left, or behaved in a way that elicited the leaving, I would not be alone.  I wouldn’t say I was in a full-fledged relationship right away, but I had fostered a “friendship” with someone into what could become the next, “the one.”

The Back Up Plan…

The back up plan is like crack.  It’s an addiction.  How do I know this?  Because the back up plan starts as something that feels good to cover up something that feels like shit and then becomes the shit you were trying to cover up in the first place.  A back up plan, of any sort I imagine, begins with pain and ends with pain.  It’s also never, ever enough.  Let me tell you a secret- let me extend to anyone else who has had, has now, or is working on their back up plan, a little compassion and support- I know how hard it is to stop.  Harder than all my drugs, my drinking, fighting, and anorexia- combined.  I just said this week, the easiest way to stop doing something is to stop doing it.  The back up plan somehow slips right through that rule most times.  Unless you seclude yourself from the world, look down when in public and stop being so outgoing and even then, that bitch will find you.  I know.  It happened to me.  That’s when I thought I’d get sneaky and set a boundary- a loophole boundary.  Before we go there, let’s recap-  The back up plan is a default behavior that we use to avoid facing the scariest thing we know- ourselves.  Also, it never, ever, ever, NEVER works.  Ever.

Never.

The Loophole Boundary.  Bumble style.

First, let me say this.  I suck at setting boundaries.  I am a boundry-less badass.  Second, two weeks ago I realized that I probably…ok, absolutely have an issue with respecting them too.  Let’s face the truth here; If you have a problem setting boundaries because you don’t know how, chances are you have a problem respecting them too.  You can’t identify something you aren’t familiar with .  Simple Simon.  I’m not saying I go around reeking havoc on everyone’s personal space and time, but I can think of two key issues in my life where I can’t set a boundary-

Money and personal space

and two key issues in my life where I have been too giving to the point of being a victim-

Money and personal space.

It’s hard damn it.  Harder still is when you’re driving down the road listening to a book that’s explaining how to protect yourself from the boundary crashers and you realize, crap.  I AM the boundary crasher.  In that moment, on that road, I asked God and all of his minions for two things- No more boundary crashing and much more boundary setting.  The Universe in its infinite wisdom, heard me and set the minions out on foot to cover the lands called, My Life, in the kingdom of Me.  Guess who got wind of that little movement?  Insert the Dramaqueen here.  Hello Ego, you disastrous little bitch.  May there be mercy on your being…

Let’s paraphrase-

• Relationship over.  Mostly.  For me.
• Two back up plans, one for financial security as I still live under the pretense of failure as a woman without a man- thank you daddy. One to avoid being alone with just me.
• Loophole boundary with ex;  You leave, go far, far away so that I can move on.  I can’t do it unless you leave the state.  Literally.
• Genuine grieving going on.  Raw, real, stride making grief.  It involved self, truth and a lack of the Queen.  This being why I feel like I somehow need to incorporate her in the process…you know?  Keep your enemies closer.
• Queen is onto my game.
• Insert New Year company party.  No date.  Receptionist I am trying to get along with befriends me.  I fall prey.  Sucker.  I say I’m not going.  She says, go.  It will be fun.  You should go.  GO.  Did I mention she’s friends with friends of the ex?  No?  Well, let me define this for you- it’s called self sabotage.  I am about to set myself up for failure…or release.  Read on.
• Insert going out in public.  Insert chemistry with man, aka- loophole.  Not from here.  Not staying here.  Not able in any way shape or form to commit.  Perfect.
• Insert false sense of “I’ve got this.  I’m single, (sort of?) I’m a new person, (with old behaviors) and I can surely go on a date without sleeping with someone and emotional involvement. (LIE! STOP! HALT!)”  Aka, EGO.  Here’s a cute little acronym;

Edge

God

Out-  Ego.  Make note of that one.  That voice in your head, the bells and whistles, call it intuition, call it whatever you want, but it’s a voice you should listen to.  For me it’s God and as you’re about to read, I am going to do more than edge him out.  God?  God who?

Where were we?  Ah yes, bumbling.  That’s what I did.  See why the story isn’t so important?  Because it’s not the point.  The point is this;  I lied.  I lied to others.  I lied to myself.  I lied.  Why?  Not because I’m a bad person.  I honestly believe (no pun intended) that some people, some lies, are actually, mistakenly, thought to protect.  To protect ourselves, our situations and others that we have involved in it.  A lie is a survival mechanism.  ALL lies are fear.  People lie to be accepted.  Even malicious lies carry within them an aire of “I just want to be good enough.”  Think about it, if we thought the truth were ok and that we’d be loved for it, despite it, and/or in light of it, we’d never lie.

The thing is, as I learned this week, that IS the truth.  The truth is, that the truth is ok.  We will be loved for it.  In spite of it. In light of it and because of it.  As soon as we learn to bring people into our lives that want to hear the truth.  People who are living, or at least putting a mighty effort towards, living their own truth. During this little sequence of events, there was not ONE person in my life, or the group of people involved that wanted to know the truth.  Not about me.  Not about themselves or the situation.  People who weren’t even involved in the immediate vicinity of events became involved just because their truth was so horrible, their lives so boring, their drama levels so low.

It was a train wreck.  A catastrophe.  The foundation crumbled.  The building collapsed.  A tornado blew away what was left and a tsunami flooded the kingdom and washed away anything else resembling my former life.  It was a natural disaster.

It was a blessing.

It was the Universe’s answer to, Please help me.

Amen.

Since then, nothing has been able to grow in the place of all of that.  My relationship didn’t just end- it imploded.  It disinergrated beyond recognition.  My fear of being alone and failing was faced not by my willing, willingness, but by the force brought on  when I asked God to take over.  Help me.  Here, it’s yours.  You think you aren’t being heard?  Just you wait.  The Universe will not allow me to live as I always have because I clearly stated, I do not want to do this anymore.  And I meant it.  The Universe will not let anything old grow in this new kingdom.  It’s not because I’m not trying to plant it.  The date took a few tentative steps forward and then collapsed under the pressure of it being not meant to be.  I would say to myself,

“It’s nothing.  It will never last.  He’s Mormon, drinks every day and lives in another state.”  All true.  But then we’d talk on the phone and the Queen would come out and do her bit, saying the dumbest things like,

“You have to think out of the box.”  “If you doom me to fail, what choice do I have?”  Puke.  One night, while laying in bed with him staring in my eyes, I swear to God I heard her claws extend into his heart as she laughed- as if to say, done deal.  And for me it was.  That’s how you know that it is a process and there is nothing instantly gratifying about it.  Just these little moments when you find yourself asking,

“What the hell is this feeling I’m having?!  Wait!  I’m going to end this!  Yay me!  I’m going to be….Oh my GOD!  I’m going to be honest and end this!!!  I’m going to be alone and make it on my own!!  Yay!!  Wait.  Whoa.  Alone?  Alone?!  Have you lost your mind?”

I once said to my ex, I thought I was your way in, but I think now, that I am your way out.  What if I’m your way out?  And I’ve been opening the door for people ever since.  Here’s the beautiful thing about that;  It’s also my way in…and out.  Letting people off the hook, so to speak- giving them the way out and offering them the truth that they can’t face and speak on their own, has set me free.  Cliche?  Yes.  Thank God for cliches.

I can be the way out because now I remember how we all got in here in the first place.

I remember how I was in the pitch black of my hurt and fear.  I can feel it now, even now- gazing forward at the light…I can still feel the darkness on my back.  Breathing slow and warm.  Sensual, even tempting. But, once I stood in that darkness.  I created the darkness.  I needed the darkness.  I let it envelop the kingdom of my heart.  Once.  Many times.  It seemed as if everyone had their own darkness.  We just bumbled around and sometimes ran into each other- a little spark in the dark.  A little light, but then more darkness.  On May 28th a light shone through my darkness.  It cut down like a spotlight.  I think that I had been in the dark so long that I was blind, because even in that light- even with God welled up inside of me so strongly that I was sobbing on the side of the road, even then, I misread the map.  And all the signs.  And the bread crumbs.

As a recovering martyr, you might think that this new-found ability to be the way out would go to my head and I’d be out there chasing down dark dwellers, shouting,

“Go into the light!  Go into the light!”

But I’m not.  Finally I understand that it isn’t my job to find them.  I am them.  I am you.  You are me.  That idea of separateness grows more distant every day…almost a memory now and not a habit so much.  Giving people a way out of my life, has led me into mine.  Slowly, sometimes painfully, but definitely.  Dancing within my own darkness, tiptoeing into my own light, turning tale and running, dashing ahead and falling, crawling back…more a bumble than a dance really…but it has allowed me to see that we are not our darkness.  Knowing my darkness has brought me closer to the light within myself and I finally understand, even if only momentarily for now, the darkness of others.  At last, I have compassion.  I have no need to justify and defend.  Oh, I have the habit to do so.  I have the temper to do so for sure, but I have no need.

We dance within our darkness, reaching out to clasp the hands

of another that dances beside us, be it as lovers or as friends.

but no matter how tight we clasp, or how close we think we grow,

it’s our darkness that dances within us when in the other we seek our soul.

Living by default

There’s this continual thing I do, this habit that is more like first nature as opposed to what we commonly call ‘second nature’.  I come to that moment in life when it’s all about to change forever.  For the better.  For the greater good- MY good, and then, I bolt in the other direction.  I don’t just turn tail and run either.  Oh no.  I make sure to create complete and utter chaos as I go.  Destruction.  Damage.  Setbacks are created.  Sabotage accomplished.  Ground zero.

Or, at least, I try really hard these days.

It’s a funny thing, the process.  Once you get going, and by that I mean, when you stop stopping and keep getting back up again after the self inflicted wounds are inflicted- well, the Universe kind of takes over.  Time spent in the trenches that we ourselves dig, shortens as does the depth of the trench.  The damage is less; what once took weeks to create and months to end now happens in a matter of days- leaving us more as whiplash victims than amputees.  The casualties are some how more casual and less victimized.  It isn’t perfect, but it isn’t standing on top of a parking garage threatening to jump either.  It’s a process.

And it’s painful.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to make it seem pretty when I actually take that step out into the real world and start sharing these tidbits of authenticity in a way that makes people want to be authentic…though now that I think about it- none of my teachers so far have ever said,

“It’s going to be fantastic!”

I’ve never read a book that says the real deal is a walk in the park, sunshine and rainbows. As a matter of fact, much like separateness, I have no idea where I got that silly notion.  What great anybody ever got there without a tantalizing trip through hell, both self inflicted and otherwise?

But here I am.  At some point you just know, not so much decide, that there is nothing worse than the life you are living and the pain you are feeling.  You realize that taking it on in one long, painful, but yet passing moment is going to be a helluva lot better than dragging yourself in and out of this suffering you call life.  There’s this moment in time when you go from ‘Ok, I’ll try’ to ‘There is no other choice’.  I don’t know when that moment was, but the Universe heard my soul proclaim it and I’ve been unable to go back.  Trust me, I’ve tried.  As of late, I’ve tried pretty much every day- and I go for the big guns.  There was a time when I thought that drinking, smoking and doing drugs were the big guns, but alas, no-  the matters of the heart- those are the tanks.  Companionship.  Drama.  Martyrdom.  Love- past, future, non existent…Not doing ‘the work’ like writing, reading, journalling- spending money that you have no business spending, committing crimes against ourselves and dragging innocent bystanders through it with us…that’s heavy artillery my friend.  I’m the Rambo of Default behavior.

Recently I learned that Defaults are the things we do every time the water gets rough.  A year ago I would have never saw these…but now I can’t NOT see them.  They’re like red hot pokers to my eyes.  The codependency.  The reaching and grasping for anyone and anything that used to make me feel whole…now it all just leaves me feeling like a hole.  I see what it used to be for me…I look into its eyes and I long for it, I glimpse at it, I reach for it, but it’s like a dream that I’m waking from and damn it all if I’m not trying to stay asleep.

There is great responsibility that comes with this life that chooses to live through us.  Not the life we choose to lead.  Not the one we pass off on our bad childhoods and our dysfunctional parents, our suffered abuses (the real ones, the fake ones, the self inflicted ones), but the one that survives in spite of all of that.  It’s a responsibility to our self, to the Universe, the common good and to God.  And it’s uber big.  It’s authentic.  It’s accountable. It’s undeniable.  And it chose you.  I used to think that I was making choices…and then I looked around the world and found myself asking,

“Why can’t everyone see this?”

And I remembered what Tolle said in The Power of Now about a woman choosing to be in an abusive relationship- She had no choice.  No one would choose insanity.  We all do the best we can in any given moment.  I don’t know why the world works like that.  I have had people in my life who tell me that I’m right.  They tell me they’re wrong.  That they know they are in their own way, their own worst enemies, but they don’t want to change.  So here’s my best guess.  It hurts.  There is no joy in the pain.  There’s nothing wonderful about sitting down with yourself and saying,

“Hey- this isn’t working.  The lying, cheating, stealing, eating poorly, manipulating, self hateful things we are doing here…and you know we are- they aren’t working.”

At first, I hated myself for all of it.  I’m going on three years now of this little journey-and it’s only been the last six months that I’ve been able to look at myself with any compassion and say,

“It’s ok.  You didn’t know how to stop.”

The Ego seems, at first and for a very long time, to be one big, fang ridden bad ass…But she’s not.  She’s terrified.  She’s been told her whole life that to exist you must be afraid- you must keep your guard up.  I’ve told countless lies to people just to protect myself…and them.  Do we lie to be deceitful?  Yes.  But, who are we deceiving and what’s the truth we are afraid of?  It’s a good idea to sit down with yourself and ask, what gives?  It’s a good idea to talk it out with you- I do it all the time and sometimes there is just not a lick of logic to what we do and why we do it.  Fear doesn’t need logic.

Recently, as in yesterday to be honest, I was still trying to live by default.  The Universe tested me…and thank God, did not let me fail.  But it wasn’t a lack of effort on my part and it most certainly is not for a lack of resentment because I’ll tell you this my friend, I am seething in that little diddy right now- even though I know it serves no purpose…but I seethe and I watch myself do so and I hope- I believe- that just hanging out with it instead of feeling bad for having it, is the key.  I’m not dousing the flames with gasoline…but I’m not fetching water either…because this is what I learned this week-

Some fires aren’t meant to burn.

A default is what we fall back on.  It’s our ‘reset’ button so to speak.  It’s what the Ego does to get itself right again.  A desperate attempt to retrieve that which is lost- or what we fear we are losing.  Let it go.  I know it’s hard.  I know because I’m still clinging to a default.  I’m holding onto something with both hands, claws dug in, teeth sunk in.  I’m not letting go.  I’m too scared…and here’s the creepy thing- I know it’s ok.  I have, get this- faith- that no matter how tightly I hold, how hard I make it on myself, if it needs to go, the Universe will see it done.  I do the best I can at any given moment.  That’s all any of us can do.  In looking back I can see now how much better my best has become.