Mother’s day

This is the thing that people with mothers need to know-

You won’t always have your mother.

You will lose her.
You could lose her now.  
You could be losing her at this moment and not know it.
You could be losing her at this moment,
and she doesn’t know it.

This is the thing that sons and daughters do not know.
No matter how old we are.
And when it’s too late.

Mother’s know.
We know it down deep because the moment you were born into us-
we knew that at any moment,
we could lose you.
We knew it before you were born.
We knew that we could lose you
the moment we became aware
that we had you.

The tug and pull of knowing that we have,

and that we have not,
at the same time.  
And that we will never have control again-
Fight as we may.  
Fight as we must.
Fight as we do.

Perhaps fathers know this.
Some fathers.
But no father knows from the moment a mother knows.
No son knows.
A daughter will know just as her mother did.
Ironically all the knowing in the world does nothing to compare with the not knowing.
Knowing you can lose.
Knowing you will lose.  
But never knowing when.

So.  A mother knows in an instant of a moment’s knowing-
But children with mothers….and we are all children,
you don’t know.
But it’s true.

And it’s never about guilt.
You will think that it is-
but you are wrong.  
It is never about your guilt-
those times when we want you closer-
for longer,
home earlier,
wearing that coat we love to see you in.
Holding our hand across the street, from the car to the playground,
And when leaving our site for a second,
a minute,
hours,
days….
It is not your guilt we seek to elicit.
It is our guilt we wish to cut out-
the moments lost,
that we ourselves created as lost between us.

And we seek relief from it in new the moments-
met with the loss of moments that now, you create.

That is the tangled web we weave.
Around our lives and our hearts.
Around the things you will remember when I am gone.

Even bad mothers are missed.
Absent mothers are missed more in death
because we elevated them so high in life.
We had to help them rise above their own lacking.
We had to hope them into who they weren’t.
And we mourn her hard when she is gone.
Not the bad mother,

But the Hope mother.


Not that mothers mean to be bad.
Or can be bad,
but just that they can’t seem to be the mothers way we need them to be.
The way they wanted their mother to be.

Bad mothers are a hard habit to break.

Maybe that’s why we miss them more when they are gone.
Because we have to kill the bad mother inside of ourselves as well.

This is the one thing all children with mothers should know-
Your mother will be gone.
Even if it takes days,
or months,
or years.
When she is gone-
when she leaves you-
it will be now and instant.
It will be a breath in that never breathes out.
Or a breath out that never breathes in again.
Or a breath held in your chest.

It will sit in your heart-

in your soul-
like a rock.
A cool black rock that the sun surrounds,
but never makes warm again.

So.
Now that you know.
Maybe go home more often.
Maybe a little earlier.
Hold her hand-
because you hold her heart.
Wear the coat.
Wear the sweater.
Wear HER sweater.
Read the book she mentioned.
Read her favorite book.
Take her for coffee,
or dinner.
Or make her dinner.
Say, I love you.
Say, I miss you.
Say, hello.
Say nothing at all
and just linger a little while
where she can breathe you in.
Help her to know that she may lose you,
But that isn’t happening right now.

happy mother’s day children.

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