I am a vat or moral conflict lately.
Not just moral but spiritual as well.
Also, today is my moms bday. She would have been 70 and I cannot see past that. I cannot get my head to accept that she could have been 70- I assume because she couldn’t be, since she’s dead.
But there’s something eerie about the obviousness of that statement. Something humming a haunting tune of my mother frozen in time at the age of 59- young. Still alive. Still near and so fucking far away. Like a dream you cannot remember….but will not forget having.
In four days she will be dead again. Five days after that I will be on the front porch of the little house, holding her urn and at the same time…. calling her to tell her that my garden is blooming-
and I will ask the question that dismantled my life-
What do I believe?