Regrets. I have those.
I think of the tattoo that blatantly states, “No regrets”.
That’s a lie.
If you say that you have no regrets in life- that’s a lie and you are a liar. If you think that you’re telling the truth- then that’s injustice. Injustice to yourself and injustice to those that you invalidate by simply stating I have no regrets. It’s like saying, I don’t regret what I did to you, what I missed with you, what I took from you, denied you, left you out of, left you alone with….Regrets are humble, honest, admissions of things we wish had never happened or had happened differently, and we all have them. Perhaps regrets get a bad rap not because we have them, but because we get lost in them whilst pretending that we don’t regret them…
Where’s the closure in pretending something that is, never was? Where’s the moving through something we refuse to acknowledge, especially when we are neck-deep in the swamp of them? Do you know that denying anything will keep you stuck in it?
They’re right you know…The infamous group of “they”. Those people and their advice, their catchy little catch phrases, their Pintrest perfect quotes, their age-old wisdom that they wrote on scrolls and walls and stone…
They were right about work being more important when they said it wasn’t. I regret that it was. I regret that it rules my life now- even though I know it doesn’t…I regret that I know that and haven’t changed it yet.
They were right about the years flying by, and missing it when it’s gone, and not being able to get it back…It seems like just yesterday I bought her that purple violin, sat through those years of concerts and now, tonight, watched the last one she will ever play. The years did fly by. I am crying now because I already miss it and I will never, ever, ever get it back.
My mind chimes in….this is where gratitude comes in. I regret not having that sooner. I regret that they don’t think band concerts where all that important…to me. I regret that they weren’t.
They were right about loving them when they’re little, and letting them be their own person…because someday soon they grow up and think they know what love is and leave you feeling less loved, while you struggle to love them more…and they are so lost in an identity crisis that you created because you never heeded the advice they gave you- Just be yourself. Now no one knows who they are anymore and we are all struggling to get back to who we are…it’s a struggle because you can’t be anyone else. They were right about that too- To seek is to be found. But we don’t know that because we think we have to stop being something, when the truth is, we just have to be the only thing. Now she’s almost an adult- my baby. She thinks she knows best because of course, everyone, including they, are wrong. She searches in all the wrong places for what she can only give herself because it can’t be found anywhere else. I regret not teaching her that. I regret not living that- even now.
I regret still moments that I filled with noise,
Memories that I erased and now not being able to forget that I can’t remember.
I regret walking away from her bed after she died…and all the times I walked away before she did. I regret not feeling her, her life, her death and that pain, right then and there because now it seems life is tinged by it.
I regret not telling him that I loved him. And not telling him good-bye. I regret telling him hello. I regret everything I ever said to him that I never meant…and all of the things that I didn’t know better not to say that I thought I meant.
I regret the lack of parents in my life that led to my lack of parenting.
How many times have I said, “I wouldn’t change one thing, because that would change it all…”?
There are some things I wish I had done different. There are things I wish I could change…things that would have changed things for the better.
I have regrets.
I have them right now. I am creating them. If I don’t change it…I’ll regret that too.