and i will keep that

and i will keep that
i will say that i don’t know why,
but i do…
and i will keep it anyway.
though i want it to go-
though it doesn’t belong-
though i use it to hold me
down
back
up
in…
though there is no hope-
of change
of awareness
of awakening
that which isn’t me.
so what’s to matter
that it does anything
for anyone
whether it be
itself,
myself
or no self at all?

it’s still the catch in my throat-
the stifled scream.
the held breath.
the “damn it, how can you not see?!”
that still refuses to look
at what still refuses to be,
anything other than what
it is-
that
we aren’t
and never were.
it is still the space between
what isn’t
that surrounds what is
and if the breath were exhaled…
if the truth were to be inhaled…
whose eyes would open?

only those who want to see.

to be seen.
to be seen and then see
that I Am,
and you are,
and we are
the same on a basic level,
but divided by the more complicated
variances of depth in which we sleep-
and in what we dream,
or if you dream at all.
while i question the reality
of dreamed or dreamer.

just chatter.
and i will keep that-
like all things that seem
useless
pointless
hopeless
things that are me-
and so far from me.

the truth-
it’s in here somewhere…
and undoubtedly
what it is
is hidden somewhere
just below
what it isn’t.
won’t it be a grand day
when i breathe that in?
when the breath is no longer held
and the space dissipates
and the scream hushes…
and that-
i will keep that.

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  1. #1 by artzbaglady on May 7, 2014 - 6:29 pm

    I think of you every day. hugs and love and prayers

  2. #2 by John Thursday on May 16, 2014 - 8:45 pm

    I was listening to the new Swans album while reading this and it hit me in a funny way. Curiosity and a blanket, A blindfold, aware in a void. I will sleep. In the belly. You will be found. You have an interesting voice. A cry for more. I will read more, when I am sober.

    -JT

    • #3 by foundedna on May 17, 2014 - 6:43 am

      I hope you feel the same sober- tho in this moment, drunk on whatever swims through you- I was slightly intoxicated by it also.

      • #4 by John Thursday on May 17, 2014 - 10:43 am

        I am sober, and not listening to Swans. I think I like it more now. 😉

      • #5 by foundedna on May 17, 2014 - 11:32 am

        Then it’s a good day. Better in fact.

      • #6 by John Thursday on May 17, 2014 - 11:42 am

        A good day, indeed. Words are sometimes warmer than blankets.

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