I do not remember the conversation exactly. I have that issue/problem; remembering things as they are or were and not as I have stored them. It seems rather rude that my therapist would just come out and ask me,
“Do you kill love?”
But, it also seems like something my therapist would do. Maybe she asked if I was a love killer. I really don’t know. I know that I left that office asking myself if I kill love.
“Do I kill love?” over and over and over again. Asking, beginning to answer and then getting caught up in the question again…a love killer. And things occurred to me…not questions so much as statements of fact, like when you ask “why” but you aren’t really asking anything at all because you know that answer- rhetoric, but not rhetorical.
Can you kill what was never there? Is it really murder if it was never love? Is THAT how you kill it? By claiming to seek it in places it never even existed? Can you kill something by never really seeking it? Can you seek something that you aren’t even looking for?! Can you kill it before it even breathes and still keep your hands, your identity, your entire life, wrapped around it, forever suffocating it?
I suppose if you intrinsically know that Love is good, but NOT that you are love- you will seek it. And therefore separate from it.
But if on all other levels of your life, love has hurt and or been a downright, nasty, demeaning, abandoning, form of betrayal, then you will kill that bitch before she gets a hold of you.
And so what we know, and what we have habitually reacted to, finally meet on that battlefield called life. Someone once said something about going to war and talking about going to war…and something has been said about love being war, and love being the battlefield the war is fought on….
But love is not war.
And love does not hurt, nor is it demeaning, abandoning, or betraying.
It is not a battlefield.
And you cannot seek it.
Because you are it.
You will seek it anyways.
I am a love killer, if love is all of those horrible things. And I am a love seeker because I have to seek what I have to kill before it gets a hold of me. That’s how I go unloved. It’s how I remain where I am and turn away from who I Am.
Recently I read a book;
The book basically says, love yourself like your life depends on it because it does. This is true. I know it’s true. Maybe it isn’t true for everyone, except that it is, unless you don’t know it’s true. If you don’t know it’s true, then you aren’t reading this.
But I can’t do it. Love myself. I can’t tell myself all day, especially right after being a bitch to myself, “I love myself.” I can’t. I have. I’ve tried. Sometimes, I still do. But there’s a level of responsibility that comes with a power as great as self love. An accountability that you have to live up to, that in truth, probably isn’t all that hard to pull off if you’re loving yourself…
If you think loving yourself means being nice to yourself and everyone else in the world, you’re right. But “everyone” becomes a smaller group of someones, and soon, not really anyone at all because it’s mostly you and you are crazily ok with that. It isn’t that you get reclusive. It’s that people, when NOT sought, are free to pass by you…they come into your life and they pass through your life. You aren’t drama glue and they aren’t shiny drama stars, sticking to you like a bad preschool art project. Loving yourself means you start passing by most of the things you used to stand neck deep in. If you love yourself, you don’t stand neck deep in bullshit. It’s not the loving thing to do. Drama stars can’t stand you anymore because you love yourself and it makes them look bad. It makes them look unloving- not just of themselves, but of everyone else because if you don’t love yourself, you sure as the bullshit you’re neck deep in, can’t love anyone else. You’re responsible for you- the care and keeping of you. The loving of you. The being of love itself. You are accountable to Love. Love isn’t complicated. It isn’t demanding. It isn’t dirty. It’s a simplistic, relaxed and efficient way of being in the world- Not of it, just in it. Passing by as it passes through you. Love doesn’t hold on- it never let go. It never leaves because it can’t notstay.
It sounds great, I know, right?
So what if today you decided to stop doing all things unloving?
No more lying. You can’t just tell the truth, you have to BE the truth. Which means you have to get to know the truth…this is how the foundation is pulled down one card at a time. You thought life was built on what? Stone? Something strong and dependable, but you realize that it’s all vapor at best- a held breath waiting to finally exhale.
And this is why we don’t breathe.
This is why I don’t breathe.
Because when you love yourself, you have to surround yourself with others who love themselves, or at least intend to.
Because when you tell the truth, you can’t let others lie to you. Or to themselves. It means you have to face not just your truths, but their truths. Not just your lies, but the lies they have told you.
When you can’t love yourself- when you have to deny yourself love…the only thing that you can seem to do instead, is hate yourself.
I think that this is an average Jane kind of thing to do. I think Jane knows that she isn’t average at all because she’s awake to the fact that she’s trying to go back to sleep…and she can’t.