A knock at the door.

I understand what it’s like to give away the secret, sacred parts of ourselves. The parts we intend to share with just one person, but that we inadvertently share with anyone and everyone that comes within our ever grasping, desperate clutches. The years we spend trying to give someone something that they don’t want, can’t have, or don’t understand. How we feel that if we could just get it out of ourselves and give it to someone else, it would stop eating US up inside. But it never works. We find ourselves in relationships that we don’t want to be in- scared to walk away because we know that we’ll have to take ourselves with us when we leave and we don’t know what to do with us either. We go from place to place, from person to person, or we go back to the same person over and over again. And we keep giving them what WE want them to have, what WE need to give away, never understanding what we need for ourselves…and that we need it first.
And then maybe we do find the one. There’s some sort of bitter sweetness to it. Some part of us that thinks, God-I’m giving this away again, but I really mean it this time. And we’re haunted by the fact that we know they’ve given it away too, to someone else. To someone so not us. To Someone that stood in the spot we now stand in, or heard the song we now hear, or felt that touch that we now feel. Or slept in this bed where we now sleep. And the thoughts, they torture us. Jealousy erupts within us. Insecurities abound. But what’s really tearing us apart, what really hurts isn’t that THEY gave it away to someone else before us-it’s that we gave it away to someone else before THEM. And we knew it was wrong. And we knew it was desperate. And we knew it was out of lack and need- that we can’t get it back. And then authenticity knocks at our door. It whispers to us, “I’m here now. Let’s start now. Let’s be real now. Let’s love NOW. Not out of need, or doubt- Not out of insecurity and lack. Let’s love with intention. Let’s love with loyalty. Loyalty for them- for ourselves. This is a do over. This isn’t a start again, it is a start NEW. This person, this place,this time, it’s now.”

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