role reversals and breathing

“Words are just words
until I see them-
They are…
noise between breath
taken in,
taking hold,
until someone turns blue
and
Breathes. Exhales. Eyes open.
And sees
the action that is lacking
from you
when you
are within
me.”

Hacking your ex boyfriends Facebook via someone elses page isn’t healthy. It’s self-destructive and can cause a serious setback in the healing of your heart if you haven’t been vigilant in your healing process-
And apparently, if you’re hacking your ex’s Facebook page via someone else’s page- there’s probably a small, but repairable crack in said healing process.
Still.
It’s normal. I’m not just saying that for your benefit. I’m taking one for the team here. I’ve done it. Trust me. You don’t want to do it. But I’ll understand if you do. And I’ll be here for you. We can start “no contact day” again, together. Just trust me more when I say, this time, it’s going to be much, much easier to stay in the “no” part of that arrangement.

Sometimes when you’re right about being right about someone you hope to be wrong about, all the righteousness of righteous indignation, just ups and vacates completely. You’re left with just being right about them, but somehow being terribly wrong about yourself and that’s really all that matters. The only right thing is what you were wrong about when it comes to relationships of any kind, but especially the kind in which you thought you had your entire life wrapped up in. Even though you knew all along that the other persons life was NOT wrapped up in you. Even though you knew that their life was somewhere else, doing something else with a bunch of someone elses…and at some point, in your rightness…or wrongness…you realize that had they wanted to hear it, and had you wanted to say it- which you probably did- you could have life coached them directly into their perfect life. Instead, they had their own path to travel and now you see that it didn’t just involve you, but it feels as though, and you are almost certain that, it barreled a hole right through you and left a giant, gaping, ragged, void behind. A void. Right there. In YOUR life. See it? Let me tell you a secret- something to mull over for a while until I can make it make sense enough for both of us- for now, just repeat it over and over….ready?
There is NO void. There is no void. Again, THERE IS NO VOID.

I once told Chris…Okay, more than once, that he always seemed so much happier in Minnesota than Wyoming. His denials were strong- This is home, he would say. You are home, I am home…and all the while, I’d doubt that. This was not a case of manifesting that which I feared to be true. This was downright denial on BOTH of our parts as to what I knew to be true and his soul was screaming as true. See, his words said one thing, but his actions- the breath held in- was taken in Minnesota and held all the way through Wyoming. You could almost hear the sound of it as he drove away every time- Whoosh on the exhale…maybe followed by a sigh. Execution staved off another day, one or both of our egos would say under quiet breath. I knew he loved me- He wanted to love me. He thought he should love me. He does love me. But I’m not- I never was, home. That’s why in every day conversation…I couldn’t say home. I could if I thought about it, but I didn’t really think that this was his home. I can’t speak for Chris here. But I’ll tell you what I see in that exhaled breath- Happy. Relieved. Home. And it fits really. I see it and I breathe too becasue I do love him. Home is where the heart IS, but not always where we find it. That’s my little piece- my contribution to Chris’s life. Home found. Treasures revealed and realized. Like the herder in the Alchemist. He started with a dream of treasure, dreamt under the sycamoure tree…and he travelled high and low for years, giving up on it again and again, going back to it, again…only to dig in one spot and find out that his treasure was where he had begun all those years before. His treasure was where the dream started. Not where it ended.

“If I start listening to myself about the people who don’t want to hear what I have to say, will other people who DO want to hear what I have to say start asking me questions and listening?”

This is a good question. I’ll tell you why.
Because right now I can see myself so clearly that if I even try to look at someone else, I see them and then myself reflected as such. Somewhere in here I discovered that I have a choice. In the world of reflection and projection I can now choose who reflects me. Which is good news because it means that I don’t have to see myself in the old ways. In the broken, cloudy, cracked, a few pieces missing, fun house, bad lighting, dirty, reflected ways, anymore. It means that I can choose to clean myself up. Dust myself off. Put myself in front of a window that gets sun almost all day. Or under a better light. I can pick those pieces up off of the floor and fit them back into the reflection of me so that I can then, rightfully, reflect my authentic self.

I recently wrote Chris a letter that said, “you no longer reflect me.” I meant it coldly…and again, I was that kind of right that isn’t so right feeling…but I was also right without knowing it. Chris was home. I had known what was right about him all along- but had forgotten that I was projecting what was right for ME into him to get him there. Chris was home, but I was still so stuck in the seek mode, that I couldn’t see where I was standing. Right, smack in the middle of, my own treasure called home. Oh my…we teach that which we most need to learn…Go home Chris…Go home self…I digress.

I know people who lie. I can see this clearly because, brace yourself- I have lied. Lots. More than that. Closer. Probably about there, yes. Why we lie, why I lie specifically, is something we will cover some other time because I think it’s lengthy and because I still feel the need to somehow justify something in it and I can’t. There’s nothing authentic about lying…and there’s nothing easy about being authentic. At first. Then it’s like crack, and you can’t stop. There’s this role reversal- One of many that I’m saving for another post to come…This role reversal is this;
First the lie is the crack and being authentic is what we do to sustain the lie. We work. We pay bills. We have relationships and a mostly functional surface life. Then we hear a voice in our head…our heart? Crap. Where is that noise coming from?
Who cares. Do you hear what it’s saying?

I should stop lying.

And then we read a book, or meet a person, or watch a TED Talk…and it becomes;
I’m going to stop lying. And that leads to something on Authenticity…and that’s the real crack. It isn’t the truth that’s the crack. Anyone can tell the truth. But you don’t have to. You can just stay mute. Not care. Not have an opinion. You can shrug a response without ever uttering a lying breath. Authenticity is different. It’s your voice. It’s your boundary line…lines. It’s your opinion that is not of the opinion of others. It’s all you baby! All. You. And you may be alone with it. But you are hooked.
Suddenly every day is like a challenge. A welcomed challenge. How many truths can I tell today? How many times can I grace myself and honor another by being authentic with us both?! Bring it on! What’s the hoopla about, you ask? Authenticity. And it has friends….Gratitude. Presence. Accountability.
Peace.

And it goes like that for awhile…but only for a while. Because here’s what happens. All of those people who reflected your lying self… They haven’t changed. They’re still just like the old you. They’re still themselves…and you still love them, but they don’t look the same anymore. You can’t see yourself in them anymore…It’s somehow distorted, but you can see them clearly. It isn’t about judgement. It’s about choice. It’s about authenticity and they aren’t there yet. You get that. You understand and empathize- but looking into them now, hurts. What they reflect, hurts. Like staring directly into the sun, or a thousand broken pices…your eyes can’t focus and you look away. You no longer project much of anything into anyone, anymore. It’s a blessing, you know that, right? I know, it sucks that you can’t project what you have now into them- they won’t see it. Their eyes are closed just like yours were. But don’t give up- don’t lose faith. I was blind as a bat…and shattered as any attic mirror could be. We all see in time.

I have people in my life right now, that are lying to me. But do you know what my thought above all other thoughts was? I have to stop lying. I have to seek out a new reflection. Maybe my lies are smaller these days…I say yes when what I mean is no. I lead on instead of just saying, I’d rather, never, not. But it’s a lie. It isn’t authentic. I have liars in my life because I lie. The outer reflects the inner. I’m in authenticity limbo right now. Can I get an “Amen!”?

If you’re like me, then know what I know;
We will be authentic. We will stop lying. And that’s what’s scary about the limbo we are in. We are so close, so almost, utterly, save a few good souls that we can barely reach out to, or reach at all, alone. We are the “Plan B” club and we have no plan. Suddenly WE are plan A, B, C and all routes serpentining and straight lined to Z. It’s us and a force we’ll call God. And we gave him the silent treatment for most of our adult lives…and all of our teen years. Which is HUGE when you stop to consider that God is within…that we are and “He” is and we are all one…it means we gave ourselves the silent treatment too.
It’s time to listen. Do you hear that voice? It’s Us.
Be authentic.

In closing…
I read the Alchemist again this morning in two hours. I cried like a baby. And I wrote us this prayer. Feel free to bow your head and or repeat after me;
Dear Heart,
Please never stop speaking to me. When I wander from my dream, press me onward and sound the alarm! I will heed the message.
Amen

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