I don’t know what else to do. It’s increasingly difficult to write when I’m in this space. It’s uncomfortable to be all humble and worthless feeling. Also, I know it’s just a phase. A funk. Something that will pass…which means that underneath the phasey, funkish thing that is walking all over me right now on its way through, is something not worthless at all. I just don’t know what that is. A quote is haunting me;
Write hard and clear about what hurts.
I cannot. Not here. And so I do not write it at all. But perhaps I should. Perhaps I should so that it benefits us all because seriously, I am benefitting no one right now.
All day long I think about what I want to be when I grow up. There is no one more demanding and expecting than myself of me right now. I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of the rantings of my own mind. So tired of looking for answers that I know already. Jesus…can anyone else sense that frustration? We are what we seek. Then what in the hell am I looking for and why…? The timing is eating at me too…just a month ago I felt this…this lump in my throat. It was my mother’s death. And now, again. Another lump. Not as bad. I admit to that, but still. Waking up and having to reason myself out of bed. Today I thought, I wake up every morning and think, man, I am so tired…why can’t I just get up? Why am I doing that? I AM UP! Why am I asking myself why I can’t do something that I am already doing?
Is anyone else wondering if I will ever be just on my best game? I wonder that. I wonder if the people I read and follow ever wake up and think,
No. I am not doing this day. I have a lump in my throat, a nagging something that I cannot shake, and damn it- this happens every month at this time.
Does that happen to them? Pema Chodron once spoke of a monk who went through a depression every month and welcomed it. Welcomed it! I get that. I know that this phase I’m going through will lead to a great shift in my life…and that they are less in weight on my heart as the months go on…So am I kicking myself in the ass here by sharing my “down” time with you? Am I somehow a threat to my own credibility by doing this?
Ok. That’s funny. My own credibility. Oh friends. Someone besides me please, please say something.
“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.”
— Danielle Koepke