Expectations and some growing to do

“Your battles inspired me – not the obvious material battles but those that were fought and won behind your forehead.”
― James Joyce

I am convinced that my heart and soul, symbolic for the wiser and intuitive parts of me, can in fact, cross the border into my head.  It’s not that I think I’m unintelligent.  It’s that my head tries to fit logic into everything and sometimes the heart and soul have to make the journey upstairs and quiet things down a bit…sometimes there is no logic.  Yet, the mind feels compelled to again wage war against the crazy notion of feel more and think less.  There are some things the mind cannot wrap itself around and so it’s understandable that it cannot wave a white flag of surrender either.  Often, love wrestles logic to the floor.  “Give what you get” made my head spin into such a fit of logic…and yet, none could be found.  I tried so hard to make it make sense.  To think it, but the heart and soul simply took my hand and said, “Just give and you will get.” Battle fought and won.

My sweet friend Dixie asked,
“Do we give freely with no expectations, or do we give hoping for a return?”
She said we, which made me feel not alone- like she was here with me and we were asking ourselves a question over coffee- but I was alone when I read it.  I know she meant we, but I was the only one in the room at the time and so I answered,
No.  I do not, in most instances, give without expectation.  As a matter of fact, the closer you are to me, the more likely I am to expect something from you when I give to you.  I don’t like that little bit of truth.  I absolutely seem to expect a return. How does that happen?  When did we go from believing that someone genuinely did for us, or helped us, or just listened attentively to our endless chatter, to thinking, when was the last time you did that for me?  Or, thinking, I always do this for you!  What happened to, here- let me?  Damn it Dixie- I’m so busy worrying about what I’m getting from person A in return for what I gave them, that Person B may be going by unnoticed…I dont’ understand how that happened…and now my mind is spinning again- Get what you give?  What?  I don’t understand.
Thank God for Dixie, the heart and the soul.

“Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not.” ― Valery Satterwhite

I can completely understand that quote.  I call it faith.  Breath.  Calm.  I have no idea where this will all go, but I know that it will be good.  I have no idea how to wrap my head around the giving and getting, but I understand that I have to be here to get there.  I know that I may not understand how the Universe keeps the books, but as Marianne Williamson once quoted someone as saying- God keeps a perfect set of them and so, I trust that.  I don’t have to understand the way it works to know that the key is to give, without expectation.  Give more.  Think less.  I don’t have to understand the order- just that it’s perfect.

“Whatever satisfies the soul is truth.”
― Walt Whitman

Though my mind is clammering…and the Drama Queen is in my head right now reminding me that none of this makes sense and if it is true, then I have been an awful person/mother/friend/daughter/etc…I know that my soul is satisfied.  Dixie said;
“I think that as we age and mature, we realize that the gift is in the giving and not receiving…In giving, we can grow ourselves.”
I think that she’s right and that I have a lot of growing to do…but my soul is satisfied with the chaos that is within me right now.  And, I’ll let you in on a little secret here;

The harder I thought about all of this, the worse I felt.  The harder it was to process a thought, have a new one, or even write one down.  It has been like trying to write an essay on dryer lint.  Some things are just done better by just being done.

Thanks Dixie- for your words of wisdom and kindness.


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  1. #1 by Zoe Williams on July 18, 2013 - 3:30 pm

    In my world when everything is about me. Well me suffers. There is an ache and chocking in my throat, like there is no air then I shallow breath and I fell yuchy all over. I like the word yucky. Its not perfect but sure answer how I fell. So I drag myself of to talk or see or do somet6hing, anything for someone else. When me gets out of my road those nasty feelings and thoughts seem so what “south the savage beast” corny, well ok but it sure feels better than wallowing in my own shit.

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