“I know what I have given you…
I do not know what you have received.”
― Antonio Porchia
Sometimes when things are going really, really good, I start to notice. I notice mostly because good calls more good into my life, and it’s hard not to notice that. I feel more gratitude, less bothers me, and I find myself saying crazy things like,
“It’s the day before my period is going to start, and I can honestly say, I’m happy…”
I can more easily see those things and people who make me happy.
And then something happens. Something nags at me…like a noise you never noticed in the car until you shut the radio off one day. Something that makes you ask, what is that and how long has it been there? Has it always been there? How did I miss that? You start wondering what it is. Can it be fixed? Is it even broken? You turn the radio back on. All is good again. Except…Maybe the noise gets louder. Or you shut the radio off more often to see if the noise is still there- and it is. Is it worse? And then you start questioning everything.
I am happy. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. That’s no lie. Even my really bad days, are not that bad anymore. I wish everyone had my life. Because even if they thought my life as their life sucked, they would at least know that it only gets better from here if that’s what they choose. Maybe I don’t always choose better, or choose anything new, but I work really, really hard to not choose anything old. So, I’m happy. Right this moment, I am happy…except there’s that noise I can hear, like a low hum in my heart and I just can’t quite put my finger on it.
You get what you give.
That philosophy has tortured me lately as a low hum. It has been a statement. Today it was a question. You get what you give. You get what you give? Are you sure?
If I’m giving something to Joe, but Joe doesn’t give it back, what’s that mean?
Does it mean I didn’t really give anything, or that I thought I was giving something else, but what I was really giving is what I got back?
Can I give it to Joe, but get it back from Susan?
Let’s say I always listen to what Joe has to say, but he seems less than interested in what I have to say, but then Susan is a fantastic listener…Is that getting what I give? Yes.
So is it, you get what you give from who you are giving it to, or do you get what you give to life only from those who can receive it, in turn making them also able to give it?
That’s where I am today my friends. I was cruising along at a nice even pace and I feel really good about that-
I find comfort in knowing that I will never have to go “there” again, but if I do, I’ll be able to get out quick. The thing is, there’s always something else and now, I’m at that something else. It used to be that I’d call this depression. Hormones. Kids, partner, work, etc…But it’s not. It’s just the way life moves for me now- forward. Where as I used to hide from life, I am now fully exposed. Where I once couldn’t see past myself, I now only see within. The outward noise that was my life, is now the low hum of my heart calling out to my soul-
Turn the music down it says. Shhhhh. Listen.
Can you hear that?
I enjoy these little post scripts. Tonight’s is to ask you this;
Have you heard the low hum of your heart? Have you ever done so much work to make your life better and then found that the better it got, the less right certain things seemed? Have you ever pondered, ‘you get what you give’ and felt like you weren’t getting it from someone? Or, felt like you were missing something somehow? I’m reaching out to my community for anything you have to offer; experiences, books you’ve read, quotes, scripture, song, etc. I’m looking to find my story in yours. Shhhh. I’m listening.