Upon intention

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
― Lemony SnicketHorseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

I had completely intended upon doing the entire thing differently…but that can be hard when you’re still essentially you, with only tiny bits of you that are actually different.  So the entire thing was only done differently in tiny bits and pieces…much like I do myself these days.

Bits and pieces are as good a place to start as any.  Sometimes just realizing that we need to do something different is enough.  Then we move on to realizing that we could have done something different, but didn’t.  A slow and steady progression of bits and pieces will lead us to the aha moment when we understand that we can do something different, and we want to- so we grab a book, or we meet a person, or see a show, or simply put it out into the Universe that we know the following;
Our way is not working
There is a better way
We can actually learn a new way
And, Please, good Lord, Please, show me a better, new way!
The Universe will listen.  I was not prepared for that.  I don’t know if you can prepare for that.  Can you prepare to do something that just a short while ago you didn’t even know needed to be done?  No.  I spend every day preparing- there is no prepare in bits and pieces.

When nothing new can get in, that’s death. When oxygen can’t find a way in, you die. But new is scary, and new can be disappointing, and confusing – we had this all figured out, and now we don’t.
New is life.” 
― Anne LamottHelp Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers

Here’s what I did that was new;
I did not send 115 text messages ranging from blaming, taking blame, lecturing, accusing, hating, loving, blaming, hating, loving, leaving, random guilt inducing pics, begging, etc.  I think I sent one or two in the love category, one codependent reach when my emotions literally had me stranded on the side of the road in tears which simply said, “Lunch?”.  Pause.  That’s the oldest trick in my bag- not the most used, but the oldest.  Lunch?  Of course he was at lunch.  He was also purposely avoiding me and I already knew that- I KNEW THAT.

That’s really the worst feeling isn’t it?  That silence.  The staring at the phone, checking the volume, opening the strand of text messages hoping and fearing that there is a reply you somehow missed…and then the reply comes and it’s just as horrible, mean and defeating as you expected.  Lunch?  Why in the hell did I ask that?  Because it’s a tiny piece of me that’s still here.  That piece of me that would rather pull her own eyes out than suffer one more minute of…being avoided.  Denied.  Abandoned.
Abandoned?  Do you ever wonder how we go from the silent treatment to abandoned?  Is there even any logic in that leap?  No.  Lunch felt like death.  Looking back though I can see that some things only feel like death.  If new is scary and disappointing, then I have nothing to lose because the lunch text was old news and it felt the exact same way.  Still, nowhere near 115.  After lunch I followed up with a book recommendation, yet another ploy at peace, four failed phone calls BUT only one message.  Bits and pieces.

New number two- I blogged.  A lot.  This is number three in one day.  New number three was to stop.  Apparently that was so new, that after I stopped, he told me I needed to stop.  Stopped?  I stopped texting.  And calling.  Pushing.  I gave him space and time.  I created space for myself.  I took the Pretty Princess back to the birthday party to retrieve Blankies and Baby.  I ate dinner.  I sat down and started another post.  I don’t know what number we are on, but I like it.  Dig it.  I dig it.

I did not end my relationship.  I’m actually doing nothing with it, except adhering to the advice once given, “You are not your relationship.”  It’s safe to say that I’m actually choosing to do nothing with it- except let it be.  The truth is, I don’t know what else to do.  What do you do when you don’t know what to do?  You don’t make a bigger mess of things.  That’s new for me.  However, I did fall back on the behavior of deleting our texts strand…though I did spare the photos this time and have not done the infamous Facebook block.  I am unfamiliar with this ground I’m standing on-  this space that I have created where I am not my relationship, but my relationship still is.

Bits and pieces.  Tiny bits and pieces.  I’d say that Miss Anne Lamott is right- New is scary, disappointing and confusing.  But, it IS new.

Shift.

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