in secret, between the shadow and the soul

“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

“It all started with a dream…”  Me

I’m coming up through the levels of me…that’s how I dream now- in levels of self and reality.  There’s the nonsense level where things just appear out of the junk drawer in my mind.  Things born of fleeting moments, noticed by a part of me that goes unnoticed by the rest of me and content to regurgitate itself anywhere.  It’s the level where that “feeling of falling” thing often happens.  Then there’s the level of my dreams, now often blessed with the interpretive awareness of my conscience, waking mind.  It was hard to adjust to at first- not because it felt abnormal, but simply because I couldn’t believe I had finally opened up enough to do it.  I’m not sure I’ve adjusted at all but I have accepted it.  The hardest thing about this level is what I call “the window”.  The window is just that in my dreams.  If I’m dreaming that I’m standing in a field, there will be a window in the sky.  The window is how I know that I’m going to wake up and how I keep tabs on what is going on in my waking life.  Sometimes I’ll notice the window because the energy has shifted on the waking plane of my life, or the sun is coming up, or the baby is waking up…Whenever the window appears, I know that regardless of what time it is in the waking world, I’m about to wake up.
Sidenote;  Waking up to an energy shift IS hard to adjust to and I still haven’t.  Sometimes I try not to, it’s that uncomfortable.  You know that feeling when you’re in the bathroom and your mind tells you that somehow it’s feasible that there is someone behind the shower curtain who is not of this world now, if ever?  That’s the feeling.  I know I’m not alone.  If there is a way to adjust, I can’t wait to find it…
The last level of me is the one of limitless self.  It’s the level void of separateness, where there is everything and nothing all at once.  It’s connected.  If I were the Universe, it would be that moment right before I realized myself.  It’s that moment before I needed to know anything because I knew it all.  Utmost faith.  Peace.  The encompassing, ineffable, self of all self.  I often “see” this in my dreams as blackness, except I’m able to look within that blackness- like looking in on yourself really.  It’s my favorite place to be and where I end up right before I dreamily shift…This level is like preparation, a recharge station.  It’s the level I start at in order to rise up through the levels of me- the stationary, grounded, “self” level that remains unchanged through all of the eternity known as “me”.  It is this space that allowed me to survive the levels and experiences of my waking world.
WHEW!  How’s that for a little metaphysical hoopla?!  Alright, put the straight jacket away…let’s move on.

Coming up through the levels of me is an exercise in the process of things.  I’m at the third level just being and level two beckons me.  As I’m leaving one level for the other, I tell myself, “You have to remember where you are about to be.”  Strangely, the Me telling myself that is….well, it’s bigger than little ol’ regular me.  It’s me and more.  It’s conscienceness giving the subconscious an order which will be obeyed.  Going from one level to another is like waking up within a dream.  That’s what’s hard to adjust to.  Waking up to being asleep.  It’s kinda like vertigo.  So this morning I woke up in my dream, in the bathroom of a house I lived in when I was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old…

“It’s like waking up and finding there’s a war on. Nothing’s the way it used to be and it’s difficult to get your balance.”
― Glenda MillardA Small Free Kiss in the Dark

The dream lasted maybe five seconds…Maybe five hours.  There’s really no time distinction is there?  I was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of our house in Ft. Lupton, the door was open and the Siamese cat I own now was backing into the bathroom…She was backing away from something in the hallway and I thought to myself,
“What’s wrong with the room on the left?  The room on the left end of this hallway.  I do not like that room.  It’s in that room.”
And then I saw colors of the room- mostly blue and a rusty-red color.  Then the Big I told the little me, “Remember where you are right now.”  Then the window appeared and I immediately rose to the next level with my hands still firmly in that one and trying to claw my way back.  I didn’t want to stay- it wasn’t that.  I didn’t want to wake up to the reality that was waiting for me on the other side of that window.  In a way the dream was safe- not real.  It’s what I learn from them, take with me into the waking world that I am at times objecting.  Bringing them home makes them real.  Do you believe in the inner child?  Because my friend, it believes in you and if your inner child has been told not to tell, then the other side of that window was the reality of being a tattle tail and damn it all if THAT doesn’t have some mixed emotions with it.

“Whatever pieces we don’t get, we need to go back and retrieve if we want to experience joy.” Melody Beattie

Let me tell you how I got here- on the other side of the window of my life- I surrendered.  I decided that my life wasn’t working my way and that blind faith could probably do it better.  There are plenty of times- much more epiphanic, dramatic, times that I have reached this same conclusion and nothing changed.  I mean something did, but it wasn’t me.  Maybe nothing changed really, but the Universe and God accommodated my desire to change and therefore set in motion a path that no matter how ass backwards walked, would lead me to the rise and fall of self levels and magic windows.  It also leads me to books, articles, thoughts, whims and Google searches that recently brought me to the practice of Tapping.  Now I’m not going to go into great detail here on the subject.  I’m going to give you a website and tell you this;  it works for me.  I do it alone, I write my own affirmations and I remind myself that like the sky, a lot goes on unseen behind the clouds.  The first time I did it I had an immediate and intense reaction.  The second time, I went to bed and then woke up in a dream on a toilet.  Here’s your website:  I started here.

The thing is, I had been saying that I wanted my life back for years.  “I just want my life back!”  I would dramatically exclaim, or vehemently yell, or hysterically sob…but the truth is, what life?  I was a puzzle box with no pieces.  I had an idea, a picture to go by, but no pieces…the question then begs, what’s that a picture OF exactly?  So I asked.  There’s a saying about the only way past, is through…I spent a lot of time walking around something…or being walked on because I suffered from “Doormat syndrome”.  That’s where you lay down like a doormat and then get pissed off and hurt because people walk on you and wipe their shitty shoes off on you before entering your house.  At some point you realize that maybe there’s a better line of work out there…a better life- and there is.  There are pieces to a puzzle that may not fit your perfect picture, but they DO fit the picture of you, perfectly.  Knowing that makes the shifts in life easier-  I am proof of that.  We all start somewhere- always where we are at that moment of NOW- the only moment there ever is.  We all start, even over and over again, exactly where we are and right there is exactly the right moment- the only variable that changes, is your perception of the moment you are in.  It’s always the right moment- but it doesn’t seem that way to you until you learn to see it that way.  If you intend the truth, the truth will be undeniable- hence the warning, “Careful what you wish for.”  It’s better to know your truth than hide from it- rest assured, it knows you.

“It’s no longer a secret if you accept it as truth- even if you are the only one who knows what that truth is.”  Me

“Once exposed, a secret loses all its power.”
― Ann AguirreGrimspace

The 12 Stages of Healing: A Network Approach to Wholeness

The book, The 12 Stages of Healing by Donald Epstein, is my latest find.  At some point I knew that I was grieving something beyond death.  I was grieving life- the one I had lost and the one I thought I wanted.  It’s hard to live when you are in a constant state of grieving things that are dead…I also felt that I had the grieving process down pretty well and that inadvertently it had become my way of life.  Insanity I say!  And it is.  Like most things that start out in the appearance of good- it goes…bad.  People like me, maybe even you, we screw that up.  We become victims that unwittingly victimize…Martyrs that sacrifice others…Processors of grief that forget how to live…
But then we remember.  In our one thousandth fit of despair we again cry out, “I’ve had enough!” and again the Universe responds and suddenly that one thousand and one fit of despair, is less despairing.  The little things are what make up that one big thing.  I had to grieve a long, long time before I could reach even the idea of healing. Moments of grief are the little things behind the big thing called healing- and moments of healing are the little things behind that big thing called Life. It’s in the healing that we can rest while uncovering the secrets of our lives, those we have hidden from others, those we hide from and those that were hidden from us, but yet as I’ve discovered today, where somehow always in plain sight.  I have chosen not to reveal in my blog, my secret…  I believe that perhaps it doesn’t matter in a general sense- that you need not know what I suffered to know that we all suffer and that we all take the same path- just in our own unique stride, towards healing.  Maybe I have something to offer you- I hope I do- something that will lead you towards your own healing- much like you lead me just by letting me be here.  

“Suffering is often linked with pain, yet they are not the same thing. Pain is an awareness of discomfort on physical, emotional, mental or spiritual levels. By contrast, suffering involves the experience of dishonoring, denying, or alienating our “true self”, the core of our being, the wellspring of our awareness and self expression.”
Donald Epstein



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