small spaces of faith.

“You’re blocking.”
Martha N. Beck (Expecting Adam)

Text to self:
Shaken soda. Overfill. Overflow. No. Stuffed. Clogged. Full. Unfulfilled.

Mastin Kipp, the founder of DailyLove.com said in an interview with Oprah that when he found himself living in his no longer soon to be in-laws pool house, he asked God
“Why here? Why this 8×8 room?” and God told him,
“Because that’s the exact size of your faith.”
I’m paraphrasing, but you get the point. That story has stuck with me for such a long time now…I tell it often. I get it. I relate to it. I live it. Except my bathroom is probably even smaller than a 8×8 pool house, but I’ve spent a lot of time on the floor there and I can honestly admit, 64 square feet of faith would have been a welcomed boost to the size of my faith during those times…During most days lately. I once wrote that God is practical. That the Universe doesn’t ignore intentions of the heart. I still and will always believe that, but let me tell you, I’m an expert at cutting myself off from both of them…in some of the most unsuspecting ways. Not only are they Both responsive and practical, but they don’t force and they are patient…They know, I’ll be back.

The day I sent myself that text I was really struggling with my audio books. I listen to something every day, all day. Yes, I can see now that it’s become an addiction- a way to drown out the noise of life. Not just my life, but all life. It’s a form of isolation. I didn’t see that until I tried to stop, but found that I “needed” it. And then, that day, none of it was helping. I don’t mean I’d listen to it and think, No, that’s not what I need…I mean I’d listen and think, Good Lord, my ears are going to start bleeding! What in the hell had happened? This was also around the time Louise Hay and I started our courtship. Let me explain something here;
I wanted Louise to save me. I wanted what she said to work for me and a lot of it I could relate to, I could see how it pertained to my life and I was fully aware that my resistance to self-love was not only realistic, but most definitely my problem…but I wasn’t craving Louise. I was listening over and over because she said to. I was listening because I was resistant to loving me. I was listening and I was becoming increasingly pissed of and depressed. Louise Hay IS a pioneer and I absolutely adore her and her work, her lifestyle…but as my Healer pointed out today- you can’t skip steps and Louise’s books seem to be step 15 on the path from 1-20. I’m not there. I’m more like step 10-13 maybe- When we want self-love, parent love, forgiveness and release, but …. but we’re pissed off! I don’t want to imagine my parents as tiny, helpless children right now. I’m still caught up in what they did and didn’t do when I was a tiny helpless child. As usual, my healer was right.

Also, I doubted myself. I had lost faith in myself, God and the Universe- so nothing was working. That’s the practicality of things. I cannot work without them anymore than they can work without me…it’s good to be needed. So, there I am; ears bleeding, angry, frustrated and faithless and I think, I’m going to explode. I’m clogged up. I have so much inside of me now to process and I can’t…Louise was to my psyche what my four-year old is to a bottle of soda with the lid on it- dangerous. But here’s the thing, I didn’t quit. I told myself that I was wrong, and I kept plugging in. I’ll give Louise this- I love myself a little more every day, but my past needs an ass kicking- not a hug.

I had to let go. Unplug, unclog, unstuff, unblock and find a way to be fulfilled.

“I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.”
Hermann Hesse (Demian)

I’m not sure if I expected anything when I started to shut down and shut out the world because I didn’t think I was doing that. I was going within. I was self reflecting. I was learning to be alone…or as codependents go- I was trying to control the whole damn world by shutting it out. Rest assured- nothing we do to others goes undone to ourselves. Somehow shutting everyone else out, led to shutting myself out as well. I couldn’t hear anything. Not them. Not you. Not Him. Not It. Not me. What? I didn’t hear you.

Luckily it has been creeping in slowly for weeks now…I’m always doing, reading, listening, but there’s this nagging sense of…a voice in my head that makes it through the deafness of my soul and says, Hey. Shut up and listen to me. And it’s me. It’s me, the one who gives fantastic advice, wants to write and dream, teach and heal, hope and learn and give…Me that finds God in the sky, the clouds, the world around me. But I had gotten so far into my pain, into my past and I was lost. I know that Love really is the ONLY thing that will heal…And I know that FORGIVENSS is key…But there’s a step in there that must be taken first and no one in my life had ever told me it was okay except my Healer, who’s told me a hundred times before…but I couldn’t hear it. Today though, I heard it. Today I heard what I knew, but my need for validation lingers on and so I had to hear it from someone else too. My Healer says to me,
“So- that’s just not for you. You need to get angry.”
And she’s right. That’s how she came to be my Healer. She knows how to get my blood moving again and today, I heard the whisper.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
Nicholas Sparks (At First Sight)

I want to say that I find it ironic that what I found to have broken my heart, has led to my healing more times than I can count, but I can’t say that. I can’t act surprised because somehow, I know that this is how it is and will always be. The irony is how I choose to forget the one thing that could save me from the pain I endure when I get to this place in my life. It’s by looking at what has taken us down to our knees and caused us our pain, our hurts, our broken state of being, that allows us to see how we can heal and mend…how we go from a state being to a life of living. I still spend a lot of time feeling like death. Once I had rid myself of the surface layers of life- the drama of money, relationships, work…once I changed my diet, my health, quit the bad habits…I wasn’t at the end of the journey- I was merely ready to handle, and just barely so, the one I needed most to take. If God and the Universe had chucked this at me a year and a half ago, I would have jumped from that parking structure for sure. See? Practical. Supportive. Looking out for their number one player, me. That means you too.

Knowing these little bits helps to add square footage to my faith- or lack of. Knowing that what breaks us is the foundation that we can build on allows me to believe that I am about to become a fortress in the kingdom of me. I hope that helps everyone out a little. If you think you’re broken, try to remember this;
You’re just under construction.

And shift.

 

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