You say potato, I say “I am not!”

Journal Entry

People do the best they can with what they have.  It’s your responsibility to find someone who can do more- as soon as you learn to take responsibility that is…But remember; water seeks its own level.  You have to raise yourself to find someone who has risen as well.  You have to keep swimming, treading, at least moving, to attract others doing the same thing.  Life is about two things- you KNOW this stuff Melissa!  Projection and reflection.  Projection and reflection.  If you find your relationship a struggle, chances are someone is drowning in someone else’s stuff- stop being foolish and thinking that you are the one afloat.

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.”
― Frank Herbert

Recently my relationship came to another catastrophic end.  Sometimes things are just different- this is one of those times.  It ended with such hate, that even though I’m striving for forgiveness of the both of us and especially for the last words he text to me…
God, that’s ridiculous.  We broke up via text?  What in the hell has the world come to?  Okay.  I can’t even say, “The last words he said to me were…”  While we are here, mental note- we do not have relationships where super important stuff like breaking up, happen via text. Now, where were we?  Oh, yes…

I will forgive the words, but I will never forget them.  They sealed the deal and the deal is done.  But, and this is important, it’s all the things he said before those fateful words via text that catapulted me deeper into the depths of this indescribable, inescapable, and somehow violently catatonic state of …. blah.  Because all of it was true.  The Queen took a major loss that day…she kept wanting to fight- screaming at me, “Get up you pansy!  Say something smart back!  Scream, yell, something!” but all I could do was beg…I couldn’t let him go, and  he would flounder between staying and hating…and I felt so defeated, so worthless, so unable to function without him, so fucking codependent…Oh God, I hate that word.  Please not that word.  Please, anything but that!  And still, amongst all of this, the fighting and crying and texting- the come back and go away, the I love you and damn you to hell, I kept hearing this voice say,
I think he might be right.

The fight was gone.  The Queen wanted me to be holier than thou.  My heart wanted me to beg, borrow, steal, lie, manipulate, ANYTHING, to avoid being alone.  And then there was me.  Standing there in the background, watching the whole thing- the entire storm swirling around me- and all I could think was, “You say potato, I say codependent.”  And so it was.

Journal Entry

I realize I never read the book Codependency No More, because of how codependency was described to me and I didn’t want to be THAT.  I thought if I said I was codependent then I was saying I was a victim and that’s what I had spent the last few years trying to get rid of- that “story” of victim.  I felt like everybody I had ever met that says, “I’m codependent” acts like it’s a victim stance and there was nothing empowering about that.  But after everything that he said, and that nagging feeling like he was…he was right, damnit!  Well, it drove me to the book.  I had the book three years.  I bought the book the same summer I met him…and I see through the book that it’s not about being a victim at all.  I see that those people I had met forgot to tell me about the chapter called releasing the vicitim…and that codependent people don’t just date users, but that substance abuse sometimes plays no part at all…Great.  I’m codependent.  Now what?  The book says I will feel empowered, but I don’t.  I feel like shit.  I feel like a piece of shit.  I need to find the empowering quality of feeling like a piece of shit?  Fab.  I felt certain- I KNEW (so I thought) that I was in the middle of something here…but I had no idea that I was really at the bottom of this thing called codependency…all this work just to get HERE?  Great.  I apparently started out BELOW codependency.  I don’t even know if there’s a term for that.  Three years of progress just to find myself at the bottom of this.  And the kicker?  Oh-  the term codependency was coined in Minnesota- home of the most treatment centers at the time the book was written.  Better yet, the author, Melody Beattie- went to rehab in Willmar, Minnesota- His fricking home town!!  Three years ago I bought a book on codependency and decided not to read it.  Instead I started a relationship with a man from Willmar, Minnesota.  Note to self-  This is NOT a sign that you are meant to be together!!

Melody Beattie‘s official definition is: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

Here’s my definition- my self definition or definition of self;
Codependency is my habitiual need to create and control people, places and things, that I want but do not find myself worthy of having, in ways that systematically dismantle them- effectively proving myself “right”.

Hi.  My name is Melissa and I’m a victim.  A codependent, narcissistic, victimizing victim created by years of abuse and neglect.  I’m also super smart, super loving, and reallly, really trying to live authentically.  This may be the one time in my life that dismantling proves useful as I am currently doing so to my entire being.

How does this happen?  I’ll tell you.  You spend every minute of every day saying you want to be authentic, and the Universe listens.  You start swimming for shore and leave things out at sea.  The sad truth is this;  He was right.  And I am sorry.  But damn it- I’m tired of treading water.

“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’

If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
― Sam KeenFire in the Belly: On Being a Man


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