Sometimes it’s like that. A lot of times actually. I’ll find myself in a moment, thinking, saying, or writing something life changing, or at least a contributory factor to a shift in myself…and then I’ll wait. Nothing. No fireworks. No attitude of celebration. Just a sigh- Oh, look. There it is, that thing we’ve been waiting for…I thought it would be bigger somehow…
And I am, strangely, sad.
I think it’s because I keep waiting for someone else- sometimes no one in particular and sometimes someone specific- to participate in this little realization with me. I’m still living my life as if whatever IT is, isn’t good enough if I’M the only one experiencing it. This battle with lack has reached into the layer of self-worth, which ironically, I’ve been lacking. Here’s what I know, that has to stop.
That was my thought today; This has to stop. I don’t know how to stop it, or what I’ll do next…as Marianne Williamson says in her books, I’m flying on instruments…and not even my own, but the instruments of others. I’m trusting that those before me will guide me in the right direction as long as I have two things; willingness and desire. This means that the feeling of being left wanting, (not to be confused with the feeling of actually wanting something) has to go. There’s a difference, though my mind hasn’t wrapped around it yet, between being left wanting and actually doing the wanting.
I want. I want. I want. And dammit, I’m tired of feeling bad for that.
I feel guilt for it. I can hear my mother demanding more and my father tired of the demands. I can see that I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying not to do to life what my mother did to my father. I’ve lived as if I am my mother and not just my mother’s daughter. I’ve taken to heart every time my father has said, “You’re just like your mother.” only because he couldn’t get past the pain she caused him and that he endured. I’ve been single-handedly trying to make up for what she did by not doing anything that could be construed as what she has done AND doing without to prove that I am, if anything, more like my father than my mother. I’ve made myself a victim by denying what I want and in turn, became a perpetrator by denying others what they should have as a result of my acquisitions.
See? It has to stop. And I can’t wait for the changes to mean anything to anyone but me. No small task, but I have the desire…and that’s funny because I hear it’s the first thing in Think and Grow Rich by the infamous Mr. Hill, a book that I have systematically and intentionally avoided for years. Tonight while reading about the chakras and emotions surrounding money on Christine Northups page, http://www.drnorthup.com, I decided that for my health (that’s right, my health, not to be rich or make money at all) I needed to pick a topic and focus on it. At any given time, I have about five books going on three subjects and at least two journals to record results. If that sounds chaotic, that explains my mind. I’ve decided to focus. I chose money because I can trace pretty much everything in my life back to it. Examples?
I have neglected myself healthwise because my insurance is bad and I will end up with bills that I have to pay in installments…I hate that.
I shot my credit never saying no to anyone because I didn’t want to let anyone down…or deny them what they wanted.
Every time I get close to being financially …. secure? I blow it. I dig out of the hole and then I dig it deeper the next time.
I’m so afraid of the implications of money; wanting and having it, that I chose to approach it from the only direction I’m comfortable; holistically. Enter the second Chakra. On the website is a page with reading suggestions; link number two quotes Napoleon Hill. Damn that man. I can’t get away from him. I take it as a reassurance though that being on this site means something good…it gives him credentials to me. Yes, that’s stupid. I know who he is and that he doesn’t need credentials from me, but it helped. It didn’t convince me. The convincing came after I told myself, “Well if I can find his book, which I own, I’ll read it.” I get up off of the couch to get my daughters cookies out of the oven, walk by my stacks of books on the floor and so help me God, there’s the book- top of the stack.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzu
I love Lao Tzu. I do, but the simplistic nature of the writing tends to, at times, piss me off, not comfort me. I imagine Lao sitting on the cushion, writing the days thought and smirking…knowing that THIS one may not go over so well…or something like that. I mean really? Believe in myself, be content with myself, accept myself?! Maybe he didn’t have parents? Or peer pressure? Or any contact with any other human? I want it, I do…God, please let desire and willingness be nine-tenths of the law or I am screwed!! This is a perfect example of the soul level and the mind level…I get it in my soul, but my mind is laughing hysterically and shouting you will never get this! It isn’t just about changing my mind…it’s about stuffing a sock in its mouth and silencing it. Funny…Who in the hell am I trying to convince here?
“You may be hurt if you love too much, but you will live in misery if you love too little.”
— Napoleon Hill
I think he meant me. Not me in particular, but that the age-old adage, “You have to love you first.” means do it, or else. I like that he doesn’t mince words. He leaves no room for argument. In all honesty, I’ve been hurt for loving too much…loving others, but chances are, if I had loved myself at all, I wouldn’t have loved all the wrong ones…or the right ones, wrongly. I’ve lived in misery except those times, those brief moments, when I’ve allowed myself to love what I have and not what I lack. It’s work. A lot of work. Stopping the work for even one day seems to set me back a week at times. You just can’t stop. I used to stop more often, for longer periods of time- so yay me for the improvement, but we have to stop saying “good enough” and learn to say, love more.