Below is a post I found in the drafts…Go easy on me. I didn’t even re read it.
“I love you, but I don’t like you very much.” My mother.
The dream. I was in a glass house, not unusual for me. The house is full of mirrors and I’m standing on a scale, looking in the mirrors. Also not unusual as I have lived with my anorexia for a long time now…though I like to say it lives with me. So I’m on the scale, I’m very thin, and there are two of my moms. Yep, two. One behind me and one to my right. The one to my right says,
“You are missing the wrong mom.”
And I throw my arms around her and hug her- she’s my REAL mom. See, that mom behind me is the one I’ve been grieving for years now…The one I put on a pedestal and credited all of my best knowledge with. The one my friends would say is “so wonderful” but the truth is, most of the time, she wasn’t wonderful. Or even there in my life. Fake mom said that horrible quote about not liking me, causing me to feel as if love was something a person HAD to do- even if you were their child. And so, “real” mom pointed out that it’s time to put fake mom away and start dealing with life on real life terms.
So I think my father projected his own failure into me until I became the failure. I know that my parents ruined my childhood. they ruined my childhood and almost my life, with their own crap and they felt so guilty about it that they projected their own failure into me until I accepted that I was a failure. so much easier to just tell me how I’m failing instead of looking at how they failed me. I’m really angry at my father for what he denied me. Angry at my mother for what she denied me. Angry at what they denied me by denying each other…and now I’ve done the same thing- denied me.
I love my parents. All these years later, despite the things that have been said and done, I know that they love me. When you are dedicated to knowing yourself, to treating yourself with compassion, mercy and grace, you learn to bestow it upon others. When you begin to see yourself and stop blaming everyone else, you will see that they too did the best they could…and that you don’t have to put up with what they continue to do…and that you can’t make them give you what they don’t have. you can’t fix your life, your past, your relationship with them, and or the things that you have deemed wrong with them by reliving the past, now. I spent a lot of time writing the script of my past into the script of my future…and neither of them have ever allowed me to live now. The trick is to see what was, to accept what is and to live as if there is always room for improvement.
Good, bad, real, fake, now, then, was, is…It’s all so confusing at times. The fact that we have to search through who we were, where we’ve been, what we’ve done, just to find out who we are, where we are and what the heck we are doing…well, that doesn’t help. Use the past, but don’t dwell in it. Grieve it, but get lost in it. “The past makes us who we are.” but “We are not our past.” It’s no wonder we find as much comfort as pain in the past…
But what if our freedom could be found in it too?