square one. the ego’s playground.

“If you think that you are the only one who falls on their face while attempting the journey to self, it’s because you’re on the wrong path and holding hands with Ego.”
Melissa

It would be easy to sit with myself and the Queen right now and find comfort in the tearing down of someone else. I would be right. I would be justified. I would merely be exercising my right to one of the stages of grief- anger. I will probably attempt just that about a hundred times between now and the time my heart stops feeling as if it has been thrown through a shredder, packed up in a box and set on fire…left to smolder. As I write I realize that smoldering ashes means something to sift through. Something to rise from. Something to build anew upon. The wreck is in the rebuild, Melissa. That’s what I will tell myself…But first I will grieve. I will grieve again and I will not stop until the grieving is done. Even if it means dueling the Queen and her righteous justifications…because tearing someone else down won’t make me feel better.
I know how bad you have to hurt to be hurtful. I know how much damage you have to suffer to create suffering. I know that if you are out setting fires, it’s because you’ve been burned…and I know that God doesn’t play with matches. I know that the Queen wants to rule the kingdom of my heart and she’s having a hard time adjusting. I know that all of this change, all of these silly notions of “I deserve this, I deserve that, I want, I won’t settle for, I can’t keep doing” and “What was my part in this?” is weakening her, but she’s apparently prone to saving up her energy for one big battle that does a fair amount of damage. What the Queen and I have in common is this;
We had no idea that the Kingdom has a mind of its own. The battles now seem to leave us both on the field bleeding and it’s as if the Universe is saying,
“Learn to play by the rules, or bleed to death.”

I think it’s still that I blamed others for so long for what I myself had done or was doing. And here I am now- Prajna/seeing. Shenluk/turning things upside down. Seeing that it’s true- they may in fact be wrong and bad for me, but there’s that other option…I’m bad for them too. I’m not so hot myself. And it isn’t crushing to me the way you think. It’s not that I’ve lost my magic, it’s that I’m holding them back too. I’m holding myself back by holding them back.” To self, via text

A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.” Jillian Michaels.

Today when I wrote that, I was thinking of my part in my relationship problems. I was listening to Pema Chodron about Shenpa again, which, in my lame term means those things in life that happen and then carry you away until you wake up asking yourself, what in the hell just happened? Fights about things that should make you happy if you weren’t so insecure, statements made directly or indirectly at you, in your general vicinity that send you into an irrational tizzy, and most conversations that end with the other person looking at you and asking, what in the heck are you even talking about? THOSE are all good indications of Shenpa. Shenpa is what you do when someone intentionally or unintentionally, pokes a stick in one of your wounds. It’s an attachment to a reaction, but more the reaction itself. That’s my take on it. Here’s your grain of salt.

Prajna is the ability to see your Shenpa and Shenluk is the violent shake that you give Shenpa when you see it with your Prajna. With me so far? Good. Quit nodding your head now. Today when I wrote that text to myself, I was…concerned with my part in holding another person back because of my fear to let them be who they are. If I let them be who they are, they may leave me or I may want to leave them. Someone may leave someone in the deal and that’s enough to send the whole damn Kingdom into a frenzy of…Lack. Fricking Lack. I’m so afraid that someone is lacking, that now we are both lacking each other and left with just ourselves…which will never be enough to get us through, so we should insert God here or we are doomed. D-double O Doomed. If you’d like, you can test my earlier theory of using Love in the same place as God. It works. If either of us had enough faith in God, Love or ourselves, trust me, none of this would matter. But we didn’t. We don’t. And here we are again- a big, fat vat of Shenpa with an overdose of Prajna and not a damn bit of Shenluk to be found…Now what?

I have learned that sometimes ‘sorry’ is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.” Claire London

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Anaïs Nin

Now what?
I think it always starts with forgiveness. I think that to move forward, you have to go forward and give the last thing you want to give, the last thing you think you deserve and the last thing anyone will expect. The trick is to give it to yourself first. It’s tricky business becoming more aware of what you do…because you realize what you can do and it’s not always pretty. It’s like having super powers and watching them fall into the wrong hands…especially when they’re your hands and the Ego is running the show. When you see what you do, when you bring it into the light, the Ego can’t pretend that you don’t see it…as I once read, “You can’t NOT see it!” So the Ego adapts, it accentuates. It doesn’t say, “Oh no! That’s bad!” It looks at our not so redeeming qualities like an extra ten pounds around the middle and says, “I like a girl with meat on her bones!” It lies. It deceives. “No, that is most definitely your color! You look fab in Green!” “Those aren’t wrinkles! Those are laugh lines!” It’s all a lie. We have seen our baggage, our jealousies and envy, our wearing thin with others and their wearing thin with us…

Some things have to go. Some things have to be accepted. Some things have to be changed. But ALL things must be forgiven and the Ego cannot, will not, has not EVER in the history of YOU, forgiven anything. It’s up to you. And let me tell you, it’s a bitch. Especially forgiveness of self. I can say I’ve forgiven others, but the truth is I did not. I beat myself up for what they did and myself for letting them do it. I did not forgive them or myself and the Ego had a hay-day with that. The damage that was done before I realized this is now compounded by the damage done since realizing it…and yet, it remains a simple truth- ALL must be forgiven. Now it’s twice the work. But so help me God, I’m going to do it. (Seriously God, Help me. Amen)

I think with forgiveness comes love. I think you need love to forgive and forgiveness to love. We slaughter both. Self forgiveness is like self love; Absolutely necessary and seemingly impossible when you are in the middle of square one, six feet deep, crying tears that have you standing in what seems to be, MUST be quicksand which has filled the hole that you, yourself have dug. To top it all off, you feel as if you dug the grave of someone else too…and you probably helped shovel the dirt. In a perfect world, we would say,
“I’m sorry and I love you.”
We would say it to ourselves, the one we hurt and love, and then make good on the statement. It is a perfect world…we however, feel less than perfect. Now is not the time when you want to hear how great you are, how wonderful, how possible…but it’s the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. Even when it should feel good, the truth can hurt because we are unable, and or, unwilling to forgive and be forgiven…love and be loved. That’s how we got in this mess. There really is only one way out. The same way you came in. Thems the rules my friend. Play by them, or bleed to death.

Moving on is easy…It’s staying moved on that is trickier.” K.Klemer

Moving on…It sounds so threatening. Like if I leave, I can’t come back. Moving on makes me feel anything but free…and I know that’s not exactly…well, it’s not supposed to be that way. I guess that it’s supposed to hurt sometimes. Leaving things, people, places, ideas and dreams behind…the thought, just typing that, fills me with grief. I don’t want to go. I want what I want and I know how to get it…but I can’t figure out how to circumvent those things in my way- namely myself. As usual, life finds me with only one bit of knowledge- what NOT to do. I have no idea what I’m going to do, I’m like a two year old inside of my own head right now, screaming, “But WHY do I have to go??!!” I’m angry. Furious. Hurt. Alone. Again. I know how I got here. I know the way out. But I have no idea what to do next except that it can’t look like anything I’ve done before or I will be here again. I don’t want to go, but not from where I was, from where I envisioned myself going. Damn it all. Why is it the only way to get to where I see is by not looking for it? I’ve moved on before…she’s right-it’s staying moved on that’s tricky. It’s staying moved on and trusting that what needs to find you, will find you in the new place. It’s trusting that what you need to find is already there, waiting. Probably tapping his or her toe a little impatiently and asking what took you so long, but there still. That’s what you’ve been looking for and it was there all along silly! That’s going to be your first thought. You’re going to round the corner and think, that’s where I put it…or better yet,
I knew it was you all along!
But don’t try guessing now at what that is. You can’t see now, then- and definitely not while looking back there.

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.” Gerald G. Jampolsky

Recently I text myself, “Know what it is you defend and whether or not you should.” These things just come to me. I wish God would add something to these little blurbs like, “Don’t worry, it will all make sense next week…” But he never does me the courtesy.
It’s pretty obvious right now that all of those years I spent, “Pouring my heart and soul out” were more of a diversionary tactic…I caught the attention here while I built a fortress there. Now you see me, No- No you most definitely do not. I’m planning the future with my feet firmly planted in the past and my heart supposedly protected, by the fortress. I can’t distinguish the knights from the enemy anymore. Friend or foe? I don’t know. At this point, I pity them both for entering the Kingdom and breaching the strong hold. Mr. Jampolsky says that “When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience oneness with all.” I hope he’s right because I see no other option here. What’s left? Where do you go when the fortress is empty save but one? You open the gates and let love in. If you can’t tear down the walls, leave the fortress.

“Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.” Joyce Bell

It’s going to hurt and I know that. Mostly because it hurts now just like all the times before. It occurs to me that Daphne Kingma was right, hope is knowing that there is something more to have if you let go of what you don’t really have now. We just don’t know what that is. It’s that urge to control that thwarts my efforts every time. The urge to control love…to wrangle it into what I see in my head and not what it is in my heart, that leaves me lacking. It’s in the possibility of what I want to see that I miss what is here to be seen now. In trying so hard to avoid lack, I keep creating it. I really only know what NOT to do. I have only seen the world I envision…and with skewed vision at best. Perhaps I have never seen my partner because I have refused to look at myself in the same light. How can we ask for what we cannot give? Whether it be love, or forgiveness…and when what we need is both, for ourselves more than anything else.

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