To prove this, it’s been like nine days since I’ve written. Even the pretty princesses being home aren’t serving as any justification. At some point you run out of justified justices and realize that it’s really all crap. The only way to eradicate it is to plow through it, over it, or beyond it and make damn sure that all strings have been cut. All limbs severed. All attachments, unattached. And then, don’t look back. You realize that it won’t end until you stop doing it and then you sigh a heavy sigh because you know you want to do just that, but it’s still not time. You will still look back and it will still be there as pathetic and needy and somehow enticing as it always is…you will say,
“This time I won’t give in…”
But you will. It’s ok friend, it’s a process. You will look back, you will give in, but by the grace of God, you will look back less, give in less and sacrifice fewer moments of your life to that evil bitch, resistance. I did it for 20 years, now I’m down to nine days on some things, less on others…Not bad all things considered. Stll, I find it bothersome that my relationship to life is resistance.
It came to me as a text- my usual form of incomplete and ‘leave em guessing’, communication with myself…”My relationship to life is….” It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t a statement. It was a fill in the blank kind of thing. I was reading through my “notes” to myself, asking again, “What in the hell does that EVEN mean?!” and I kept coming back to that message…my relationship to life is…okay, it became a question and as I scrolled through the messages, it became an apparent theme. I’m a slow learner, I’ve been reading about it since December, but again, it’s a process. It starts with an aha moment on a level that, in our human form so to speak, we just can’t get. Our soul has to let it out a little at a time and over and over again before our mind finally, and reluctantly (go figure) gets it…
“Wait, what? Say it again, but slower…You say I’m resisting? Are you sure?”
No kidding, that’s really how it goes.
“Don’t let what pointed you in the right direction, become the wall that holds you back from where you’re going.” Melissa
When what set you free becomes what holds you back…That’s a form of resistance. It’s like reading the first book of a trilogy ten times, but never reading the other two because you fear what may happen to the characters in the first one that you’ve come to love. Life is like a trilogy…minus the ending really, if you can get past the wall you built to see that. We can’t get past what we might lose, to see who we will become. This is why my process is so painfully slow and familiar. Thankfully, it’s also why the forward motions mean so much more. It’s not because they happen so fast, because they don’t anymore damn it. It’s not because when I have them they are HUGE, because again and damn it twice, they aren’t. Here’s another analogy- My life is like a pond and the events of change have gone from cannonball size plummets into the abyss, to itty bitty pebbles, causing itty bitty ripples that I have to pay attention to. At some point, you really have to start watching for this stuff to take place. Though some days I feel like a pond and my beach is solid, perfect, shiny skipping stones for the masses…I like to think that the catastrophic upheavals of my life which used to completely demolish the house, are now more a rearranging of the living room furniture and I get more say in where the couch goes. But sometimes, I find that I’ve moved the couch ten times, on four available walls and it’s right back where it started. Sometimes life is like that…
I get stuck. I get comfortable. I tell myself that I haven’t quite learned this lesson yet and I’m not ready for the next one. I’ll read a book chapter and read it again. I’ll tell myself that I have to do the work in that chapter before I can move on- what work? I don’t know, but bet your stars I’ll find some. Better yet, I’ll find someone to test the chapter on and attempt to do their work for them. I’m such a good Samaritan! Martyr!! It’s all a resistance tactic for me. What pray tell am I resisting? Funny you should ask because so did I.
“It’s one thing to study war and another to live the warrior’s life.” Telamon of Arcadia
I’m a part-time warrior on the outer layer of my being. This doesn’t seem so bad unless you know that the Ego is usually the outer layer and that you need the outer layer to do the menial actions required in order to bring the soul’s vast knowledge to the surface. Think Tolle’s beggar on the box- The box holds the treasure- the soul’s knowledge, and the outer layer is the beggar- the Ego. The beggar has to open the box to get to the treasure. If I want to be a warrior, I’ve got to stop being the beggar and it isn’t easy when you’ve spent most of your life living the theme of deprivation and creating lack. What’s a girl to do? What’s a person to do? What’s the beggar to do?
Get up and open the box.
And then don’t sit back down.
“There are moments in life when it is wise to accept that you are what remains. Moments of chaos and despair, when the questions beg, Why me? Why again? And you realize that the answer IS you. In the repeats of life, everthing changes except you and the situations you create…but there are also times of quiet despair, when you want to give up. Quit. Fall to your knees and die where you lay…Times when the questions beg, Why me? Why again? Why should I get up, go on and try again? And the answer IS you. In the repeats of life only one thing can make it all change- YOU.”
That’s what I do. I sit down, I get tired. I ask why. The light in the box was so bright that I shut the lid and sat back down. Do you know what keeps happening? The energy in that box gets brighter…stronger…and I keep peeking. I have faith that one day I won’t be able to close the lid anymore. Rest assured, I’m not there yet. Just the other day, I slammed the lid shut, nailed and chained it closed, then sat upon it with my eyes shut, trying to will it away…
Good lord, how long had it been since I had sunk to that level? March I think…March of last year was the last time I had wanted to burn the books and my soul- including the box it came in. I even told God and the Universe to stuff a sock in it. I didn’t ask them to meet me half way- I told them to go away completely. The pain was so much deeper trying to hold it all in that I couldn’t…I lasted less than eight hours. See? Nine days in some cases, less in others. I really think it depends on how bad you need something in order to shift your soul from the box to your heart.
In the end, my relationship to life is my resistance to love and as a result, how I live my life. Just recently I though I had themes…three of them. That lead to the realization that I have only one theme; lack…I reasoned that I lived a life of lack. Do you know what I lack? Love. I lack because I resist. We spend so much time complicating it- we want it to be complicated. The more complicated it is, the longer it will take, the more attention we will get, the more people we can blame…complications are resistance. I have a feeling that here soon, we will be simplifying yet again. Now, back to love.
I spend a great deal of time, not all of my time, but most of it, resisting any and all forms of it. I resist love by creating, manifesting, fabricating, replacing, allowing, succumbing, preventing, suffering, enticing, eliciting, provoking…oh, the list goes on and on…so many adjectives to describe one action. The action of resisting what is. The act of resisting what could be. The act of resisting what was. If life is the flow of energy, resistance is the wall which blocks it, and all heretofore mentioned themes, dramas and adjectives are the bricks in that wall. I’ve always been fond of saying, “It’s the little things that make the big picture…” It’s a pain in the ass to be a prophet that misses her own prophecies. A friend once said to me,
“I get over the discouragement and plot the new course…After doing that time and time again, I have finally come to the realization that by plotting the course, I am taking myself off of the course I am supposed to be on.”
I believe that Love is the course. We have an internal compass, God- and a ship of which we are merely a passenger…Recently I told Chris, I am an experience of God. I am how God experiences Melissa…Love is how I experience God. You can see what happens when I get all crazy and start launching lifeboats and jumping ship. I’m throwing anchors and the Universe is trying to calm my seas or stop me from running ashore. I’m a wreck every time I try to take the wheel…It’s absolutely ridiculous to think that I can manage this colossal ship called life, by my own hands and without love. When you’re in the wheelhouse and you look out into the wild blue yonder and see what you perceive as “nothing”, know that it is not. The sun shining, the stars in their multitudes, the moon, the waves that lap over the bow of your heart, the birds singing their songs into your soul…all of that is God. You are how God experiences that which has been created. God is life in action. God is love in action. God is a verb. When you stray from Love, when you resist life, the seas are going to get a little choppy my friend.
“Asking for God’s forgiveness is like asking the sun to shine…even in the rain, above the clouds, in the dead of night, the sun never stops shining. It does what it does and it is what it is. It’s only your lack of vision that blinds you to this fact.” Melissa
I think it’s important to forgive ourselves instead of asking God to do it for us. He can’t grant you what you deny yourself. It doesn’t work like that. It’s why we ask for forgiveness and still find our hearts and souls yearning for something more…Why we spend years living in the debt and opinion of others, including God, hoping to be good enough to erase the bad that we mistakenly think we are. The Universe does not force upon us that which is freely given. Though it would seem that we have the habit of resisting that which is…My resistance to God’s love is really a resistance to all love, including my own…and if you aren’t there yet then let me simplify it for you;
A lack of self love is the absolute resistance of God…why? Because God is love.