I’ve always wanted a love story. That perfect tale of how I see things in my mind to manifest itself into my reality. Apparently the Queen had different ideas. I think she wanted the love story too, but she knew that she could never survive under such conditions and so she had to destroy every attempt…It was a misunderstanding really- Had she known what love was, what my self was trying to teach her, she would have welcomed it into the kingdom. But she didn’t, and she still doesn’t. The Queens job is not to know. It’s to react and to protect in the face of what she deems a danger. It’s to survive.
“Reacting is a survival skill. You aren’t supposed to survive love. You’re supposed to live it.” Melissa
My love story looked exactly as the Queen and I saw it; A fairy tale doomed to failure. A happy ending marred by self sabotage, created out of fear. I had all of the best intentions and not a single clue as to how to bring them from intent to action. I saw love as a beautiful thing between two people. I saw love as a noun, not an action. I saw it as a threat. I saw it as a beautiful wreck. Love was the possibility I saw in everyone…except me. Everyone was worthy of love, except me. To prove that, I would do some of the most unloving things you have ever seen, effectively making myself unlovable. Knowing this about myself has led me to see it in others. I can’t stress it often enough- you will hurt others to the degree you are comfortable with being hurt. You will not hurt them more or less. It’s to the exact degree. You will allow yourself to be hurt to the same degree. It leaves you with one option; Become willing learn to love yourself and tell a new story.
A love story is going to look exactly like you see love. If you find yourself saying things like,
“I don’t understand why this keeps happening.” or “I always pick the same type of person.” or “I really thought this time was different.” or “I never saw that coming.” or “I never expected this.”
OR any other comment that feigns surprise, stop. Take a deep breath and get ready for a big dose of reality. That’s a check your pants for flames, lie. Maybe the surface you doesn’t know the truth, but I guarantee that YOU do and the Ego, absolutely does. That’s why it’s afraid. That’s why it reacts like a wounded dog ready to attack. We have brought that which we most fear, that which we say we DO NOT want, into existence by acting as if the behavior that makes it so either belongs to the other party involved, or that it doesn’t exist at all, let alone within us. How can you stop what you won’t open your eyes to see? Have you ever played dodgeball with your eyes closed?
Before you panic and start running for the “It’s all my fault” martyr cape, let me stop you. The world is two things; projection and reflection. So, even though it’s not really any of your concern because you can only do you, it doesn’t mean that the other person involved is without…issues. What it means is when two people collide the Universe uses them as shovels to dig up all of our crap and as buckets to carry it around. Both of these are optional. You don’t have to do a damn thing. You don’t have to dig your stuff up, or carry it off to the emotional baggage dump either. And you can trust that the Universe will not leave you to become the cat lady or the parents basement dweller in mid-life . Unless you choose that, of course. No, the Universe wants you to learn and it will provide the material each and every time. THIS is why you find yourself asking, “How could this happen again?” When you finally listen, you will hear God say,
“Because you didn’t get it the first ten times. Maybe you have given up on you, but I won’t. And you can’t give up on love because you ARE love, you just can’t see it yet. So, get your book bag, we’re going to school.”
Worst case scenario is this; You keep ignoring your intuition (God, Universe, etc) and the lessons get harder…But you can choose something different. You can choose to stop and say,
“Okay. I really don’t want to do this anymore. I really, really don’t. So no matter what I do, or how many old tricks I try, please God, make it impossible for them to work. Just take all of my crap that is clearly in here somewhere and make it unavoidable. I’m going to stop grasping at what I think I want and wait for you to hand me what I need.”
This is willingness. When you have that, the Universe will unleash events at such a rate, both good and bad, painful, and creepily magical, that you will want to take pictures for proof. The thing is, in the beginning we have to learn the “me” all over again. We have to go back to a time before we were broken and reclaim that part of us. Your love story, like it or not, keeps going like it is because that’s how you see love. Not really how you want to see it, but on a core level, exactly how you see it. Think rose colored glasses. You want to see rainbows and unicorns, but when you take the glasses off you see clouds and…I don’t know…trolls?
You have to live love. How you live your life is how you live love. That’s your story. If you live in fear, lack, poverty, addiction, abuse, in any form, that’s your love story. If you live as a victim, that’s your story and that’s how love looks- victimizing. If you are angry all the time, then that’s how love looks- angry. I’ve lived my life under the lack pretense; there is never enough money, food, help…and in turn, there is never enough love. I can’t get enough, I can’t give enough. My life was lack and so love was lacking in both directions.
If you want your love story to change, you have to learn how to tell the story of love. You have to research love. Obviously I had no clue as to what it was on the level that could effect change. I had to read. I went to therapy. I read more, talked to people that seemed to have what I wanted, but most of all I became willing to the idea that I had no idea what love was or that in the least, my idea of it may be a bit off the mark. That’s sin, by the way- to miss the mark. The greatest sin we commit is the sin against ourselves because by sinning against ourselves, we sin against humanity as a whole, or against the people closest to us. Our children, our significant other, to name a couple. There is no separateness, remember? So, love takes research, be open minded and step outside your box. It takes trial and error so don’t take it personal when it seems to fail- God doesn’t do failure. He does try again. It takes practice and time to absorb. Like reading a good book and then letting it soak in…Then read it again.
We are always disappointed that it didn’t look right. Feel right. Go right. It didn’t act right. It was all them. It was all her. It was all him. Stop that. It’s a lie. It isn’t what you see, it’s how you’re viewing it. It’s what you’re viewing it through. Can you even view something you don’t recognize? Be honest, have you ever seen love before? Some of us have- remember that now;
The birth of a child.
A kiss on the beach, in the snow, at sunset, on the lips, the forehead, a scraped knee…
Clasped hands between an elderly couple, high school sweethearts, parent and child.
A moment in time when you cried, not because of sadness but because in that moment you knew relief that came in the form of good deed.
Think now of the times in your life when you knew on a level you could not articulate, that you were actually and without doubt, love. Now, are you living that? Probably not. It’s HARD. People don’t go around telling you to love. They tell you to be careful. Don’t give too much. Don’t put it all out there. Watch out. They teach how love should look, but not how to be love. What is your refrence point for love? Do you have any idea what you’re looking for, through and at? The Course in Miracles says we view everything through the past. I think that includes love. How can you be what is if you’re only seeing what was? It’s our misinterpretation of how it was misinterpreted to us. There was a breakdown along the way. A rearranging of the heart and soul.
I keep faith that nothing is wasted. That we do the best we can in any given moment. That everything is as planned. But, sometimes I look back and see that I knew better. I could have done better. But I was afraid on so many levels and for reasons that seemed both many and overwhelming at the time. I see now that the reasons are really quite few, but the fear…It’s the fear that is overwhelming. Being without fear though is a choice. Being without love isn’t. To be without love is to be without yourself. You are love. All of us. Yes, ALL.
I work every day at my life and I slip every day too. But once you’re willing, it just comes. To be honest, I though I was so cool. SO ahead of the game. And then the Universe handed my ass to me. I think that you become more and more willing as you go, which I was. Really. You’ll say, “Lord, Universe, I’m willing!” And then they’ll show you just how unwilling you still are. You’ll see that thinking you have it all figured out is really just a form of unwillingness. There’s an art to being willing- it’s called MORE willing.