“Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”
To be honest, I don’t even know who wrote that. It hangs above the door of my house. It causes me great grief right now to realize how often I and my family have walked in and out of that door, under that sign and done damage to others as well as ourselves. Perhaps it should read,
“Don’t go near others until you, yourself, have healed.” or just simply
“Tell the truth.”
Because really, that’s what it’s trying to tell you. In my case, and I imagine in a lot of other cases, God isn’t telling me to literally go out and do to others what I do to myself. He’d never stand for such crap.
When God wanted me to finally get it, he put the weapon of mass destruction in my hands. He did what he does best, he gave me a choice. And then he caught me when I fell because I made the wrong one. He is helping me to make the wrong choice right. That’s what God does. He does not give you magic powers, he gives you free will. Making the wrong choice right takes time. It’s like everything else- a process and you will feel as if it is not happening fast enough. You will find yourself in the middle of the pain you caused yourself and another, in the middle of the hurt and anger (which is fear disguised) of another person and unable to get away from it. It will burn. Here’s the key- let it burn. Let it burn and change you, warm you, reduce you to ashes, and then like the mythical phoenix, rise. But don’t run from it. Don’t pick up the buckets surrounding you and throw them at it! That’s gas! Those buckets are full of justification, defending, righteous indignation, doubt…all the making of a good old-fashioned fire of fear. You’re afraid of the fire because it burns. Let it burn, don’t add to it. Let it go out.
It may not happen the way I want it to- like today when I want it to be all rose petals and unicorns and instead he is giving me…well, reality. The reality is that what we do unto ourselves leaks out onto others and in turn becomes what we do to them. I once told my ex that he leaks all over the place. I was right…and I was projecting. It doesn’t matter who leaked first, or more. We were just a leaky mess. When you do the work, you feel bad about the mess you’ve made but you know that the best thing you can do is ask God to help you clean it up and then not make anymore messes. It won’t be perfect. You’re going to spill. I just spent the whole night spilling the mess I made and had started to clean up. It’s almost like walking around, kicking things over is a habit in my lie…
HELLO FREUD! I meant to type, “a habit in my life”…but I see what you’re saying there, God.
I’ve spent a lot of time lying. I remember once Pema talking about lying and how she would tell a lie and then spend days trying to figure out how to tell the person she had lied until the lie was just so big. We do that. We do it with little things, big things, intentional and unintentional. Times when we wonder, why in the hell did I lie about THAT? Lies are fear. That’s it. I think the ego is the liar and the self is that crazy person going around kicking things over in the lie- kicking the buckets over so that you can’t throw anymore lies on the fire. At some point, you really will stop. Maybe not at first. Maybe you will still throw a few buckets of defense. A bucket of justification and a sprinkle of denial…but eventually you will stop and just watch it burn. Proof of process is when you do it for less time and throw fewer buckets. I’m down to less than 12 hours and fewer than 50 texts with not one lie in the mix.
But it still burns. It burns bad. I’m typing through an internal nausea that’s creeped up to my chest. To see, really see, what we have done to ourselves, we have to see what we have done to others AND what we have allowed others to do to us. Awareness is nine-tenths of the law in these parts. Being made aware is setting fire to the life you knew before- even if that was as early as last night. Buddhists say you should die unto every moment. I probably die about a hundred times a day. Human nature is to drag things out a bit. Being aware is that whole death and resurrection thing- but it is NOT the crucifixion. Remember- there is no life in the crucifixion it is in the resurrection. The rise, not the fall. The burn, the ashes, not the flames. We don’t jump into the fire, or we shouldn’t anyway, but we do sift through the ashes. We rebuild where they lay. If you look closely you can see clearly that the rebuild, lies within the wreck.
I may think I know what I want the outcome to be, but the Universe KNOWS what it NEEDS to be and until I relax into that realization, it’s going to be an uphill climb. I just spent hours resisting what is because it sucked. It hurt. It was humbling and I felt hopeless. I felt tricked. Like there was a right and wrong answer for someone else that I was never going to figure out because one, they don’t know the answer either, and because two, it’s not my answer. I desperately wanted the pain to stop for both of us. Knowing that I hurt someone is one thing, but seeing that hurt is another. However, pretending it isn’t there is not an option. The fire was set and it burns…I quit throwing fuel on it just 23 minutes ago and sat down here to tell the truth. My truth. That’s the only truth you can live. The rest is speculation.
And cue church bells ringing in the distance. No, really. Church bells are ringing. I can hear them. And end scene. AMEN