A dance within my darkness

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.”   – Carl Jung

Let me bumble about here.  We can sort it out later, or as it usually happens, it will sort itself out without much help from the likes of me.  I’ll write this and all the while, I’ll be telling myself that it sucks and no one wants to read it.  And that may be true, but more than likely, I’ll read it and feel better- then I’ll pray that at least one person in the world reads it and feels the same.  This may also be true.  That’s good enough for me these days- that my friends is REAL progress!

It’s been a strange three weeks for me.  Who am I kidding?  It’s hasn’t been strange at all when you consider that all is as it should be- IF you stop trying to make it what it isn’t.  Three weeks?  Bah, I say.  It’s been years in the making, but really only since last May that things have been on this crazy, slow, crooked, forward, backward, spin in circles, stand still, wonderful, chaotic, beautiful mess of my life.  The last three weeks of which, things have been clicking right along at almost dizzying speeds, forcing me to stop and ask,

“Wait.  Did you see what just happened?  Good.  Me too.”

I’ve said before that once you shift and the Universe gets wind of it, there is no going back.  Heed my words here.  Recently I ended a relationship.  A relationship I had no business being in, which you can read about in previous posts.  But I didn’t end it honestly.  I didn’t set the best boundaries.  I set them, yay me, but not in a clear way- I set loophole boundaries.

Loophole boundaries are the boundaries you set which allow you to pretend that you never set them if, a) you get caught being dishonest, or b) that you can enforce if you don’t.

They’re basically crap.  Loophole boundaries were my new stand in for the back up plan.  The back up plan was my number one default behavior for years.  I would make sure that before I left, was left, or behaved in a way that elicited the leaving, I would not be alone.  I wouldn’t say I was in a full-fledged relationship right away, but I had fostered a “friendship” with someone into what could become the next, “the one.”

The Back Up Plan…

The back up plan is like crack.  It’s an addiction.  How do I know this?  Because the back up plan starts as something that feels good to cover up something that feels like shit and then becomes the shit you were trying to cover up in the first place.  A back up plan, of any sort I imagine, begins with pain and ends with pain.  It’s also never, ever enough.  Let me tell you a secret- let me extend to anyone else who has had, has now, or is working on their back up plan, a little compassion and support- I know how hard it is to stop.  Harder than all my drugs, my drinking, fighting, and anorexia- combined.  I just said this week, the easiest way to stop doing something is to stop doing it.  The back up plan somehow slips right through that rule most times.  Unless you seclude yourself from the world, look down when in public and stop being so outgoing and even then, that bitch will find you.  I know.  It happened to me.  That’s when I thought I’d get sneaky and set a boundary- a loophole boundary.  Before we go there, let’s recap-  The back up plan is a default behavior that we use to avoid facing the scariest thing we know- ourselves.  Also, it never, ever, ever, NEVER works.  Ever.

Never.

The Loophole Boundary.  Bumble style.

First, let me say this.  I suck at setting boundaries.  I am a boundry-less badass.  Second, two weeks ago I realized that I probably…ok, absolutely have an issue with respecting them too.  Let’s face the truth here; If you have a problem setting boundaries because you don’t know how, chances are you have a problem respecting them too.  You can’t identify something you aren’t familiar with .  Simple Simon.  I’m not saying I go around reeking havoc on everyone’s personal space and time, but I can think of two key issues in my life where I can’t set a boundary-

Money and personal space

and two key issues in my life where I have been too giving to the point of being a victim-

Money and personal space.

It’s hard damn it.  Harder still is when you’re driving down the road listening to a book that’s explaining how to protect yourself from the boundary crashers and you realize, crap.  I AM the boundary crasher.  In that moment, on that road, I asked God and all of his minions for two things- No more boundary crashing and much more boundary setting.  The Universe in its infinite wisdom, heard me and set the minions out on foot to cover the lands called, My Life, in the kingdom of Me.  Guess who got wind of that little movement?  Insert the Dramaqueen here.  Hello Ego, you disastrous little bitch.  May there be mercy on your being…

Let’s paraphrase-

  • Relationship over.  Mostly.  For me.
  • Two back up plans, one for financial security as I still live under the pretense of failure as a woman without a man- thank you daddy. One to avoid being alone with just me.
  • Loophole boundary with ex;  You leave, go far, far away so that I can move on.  I can’t do it unless you leave the state.  Literally.
  • Genuine grieving going on.  Raw, real, stride making grief.  It involved self, truth and a lack of the Queen.  This being why I feel like I somehow need to incorporate her in the process…you know?  Keep your enemies closer.
  • Queen is onto my game.
  • Insert New Year company party.  No date.  Receptionist I am trying to get along with befriends me.  I fall prey.  Sucker.  I say I’m not going.  She says, go.  It will be fun.  You should go.  GO.  Did I mention she’s friends with friends of the ex?  No?  Well, let me define this for you- it’s called self sabotage.  I am about to set myself up for failure…or release.  Read on.
  • Insert going out in public.  Insert chemistry with man, aka- loophole.  Not from here.  Not staying here.  Not able in any way shape or form to commit.  Perfect.
  • Insert false sense of “I’ve got this.  I’m single, (sort of?) I’m a new person, (with old behaviors) and I can surely go on a date without sleeping with someone and emotional involvement. (LIE! STOP! HALT!)”  Aka, EGO.  Here’s a cute little acronym;

Edge

God

Out-  Ego.  Make note of that one.  That voice in your head, the bells and whistles, call it intuition, call it whatever you want, but it’s a voice you should listen to.  For me it’s God and as you’re about to read, I am going to do more than edge him out.  God?  God who?

Where were we?  Ah yes, bumbling.  That’s what I did.  See why the story isn’t so important?  Because it’s not the point.  The point is this;  I lied.  I lied to others.  I lied to myself.  I lied.  Why?  Not because I’m a bad person.  I honestly believe (no pun intended) that some people, some lies, are actually, mistakenly, thought to protect.  To protect ourselves, our situations and others that we have involved in it.  A lie is a survival mechanism.  ALL lies are fear.  People lie to be accepted.  Even malicious lies carry within them an aire of “I just want to be good enough.”  Think about it, if we thought the truth were ok and that we’d be loved for it, despite it, and/or in light of it, we’d never lie.

The thing is, as I learned this week, that IS the truth.  The truth is, that the truth is ok.  We will be loved for it.  In spite of it. In light of it and because of it.  As soon as we learn to bring people into our lives that want to hear the truth.  People who are living, or at least putting a mighty effort towards, living their own truth. During this little sequence of events, there was not ONE person in my life, or the group of people involved that wanted to know the truth.  Not about me.  Not about themselves or the situation.  People who weren’t even involved in the immediate vicinity of events became involved just because their truth was so horrible, their lives so boring, their drama levels so low.

It was a train wreck.  A catastrophe.  The foundation crumbled.  The building collapsed.  A tornado blew away what was left and a tsunami flooded the kingdom and washed away anything else resembling my former life.  It was a natural disaster.

It was a blessing.

It was the Universe’s answer to, Please help me.

Amen.

Since then, nothing has been able to grow in the place of all of that.  My relationship didn’t just end- it imploded.  It disinergrated beyond recognition.  My fear of being alone and failing was faced not by my willing, willingness, but by the force brought on  when I asked God to take over.  Help me.  Here, it’s yours.  You think you aren’t being heard?  Just you wait.  The Universe will not allow me to live as I always have because I clearly stated, I do not want to do this anymore.  And I meant it.  The Universe will not let anything old grow in this new kingdom.  It’s not because I’m not trying to plant it.  The date took a few tentative steps forward and then collapsed under the pressure of it being not meant to be.  I would say to myself,

“It’s nothing.  It will never last.  He’s Mormon, drinks every day and lives in another state.”  All true.  But then we’d talk on the phone and the Queen would come out and do her bit, saying the dumbest things like,

“You have to think out of the box.”  “If you doom me to fail, what choice do I have?”  Puke.  One night, while laying in bed with him staring in my eyes, I swear to God I heard her claws extend into his heart as she laughed- as if to say, done deal.  And for me it was.  That’s how you know that it is a process and there is nothing instantly gratifying about it.  Just these little moments when you find yourself asking,

“What the hell is this feeling I’m having?!  Wait!  I’m going to end this!  Yay me!  I’m going to be….Oh my GOD!  I’m going to be honest and end this!!!  I’m going to be alone and make it on my own!!  Yay!!  Wait.  Whoa.  Alone?  Alone?!  Have you lost your mind?”

I once said to my ex, I thought I was your way in, but I think now, that I am your way out.  What if I’m your way out?  And I’ve been opening the door for people ever since.  Here’s the beautiful thing about that;  It’s also my way in…and out.  Letting people off the hook, so to speak- giving them the way out and offering them the truth that they can’t face and speak on their own, has set me free.  Cliche?  Yes.  Thank God for cliches.

I can be the way out because now I remember how we all got in here in the first place.

I remember how I was in the pitch black of my hurt and fear.  I can feel it now, even now- gazing forward at the light…I can still feel the darkness on my back.  Breathing slow and warm.  Sensual, even tempting. But, once I stood in that darkness.  I created the darkness.  I needed the darkness.  I let it envelop the kingdom of my heart.  Once.  Many times.  It seemed as if everyone had their own darkness.  We just bumbled around and sometimes ran into each other- a little spark in the dark.  A little light, but then more darkness.  On May 28th a light shone through my darkness.  It cut down like a spotlight.  I think that I had been in the dark so long that I was blind, because even in that light- even with God welled up inside of me so strongly that I was sobbing on the side of the road, even then, I misread the map.  And all the signs.  And the bread crumbs.

As a recovering martyr, you might think that this new-found ability to be the way out would go to my head and I’d be out there chasing down dark dwellers, shouting,

“Go into the light!  Go into the light!”

But I’m not.  Finally I understand that it isn’t my job to find them.  I am them.  I am you.  You are me.  That idea of separateness grows more distant every day…almost a memory now and not a habit so much.  Giving people a way out of my life, has led me into mine.  Slowly, sometimes painfully, but definitely.  Dancing within my own darkness, tiptoeing into my own light, turning tale and running, dashing ahead and falling, crawling back…more a bumble than a dance really…but it has allowed me to see that we are not our darkness.  Knowing my darkness has brought me closer to the light within myself and I finally understand, even if only momentarily for now, the darkness of others.  At last, I have compassion.  I have no need to justify and defend.  Oh, I have the habit to do so.  I have the temper to do so for sure, but I have no need.

We dance within our darkness, reaching out to clasp the hands

of another that dances beside us, be it as lovers or as friends.

but no matter how tight we clasp, or how close we think we grow,

it’s our darkness that dances within us when in the other we seek our soul.

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