I feel something less than shiny.
Not really dirty.
Not matte or dull.
Unpolished. I feel unpolished.
For the longest time now, I’ve found my sense of self in the attempted saving of others. The illusion further bolstered by the fact that there are times when I actually pulled it off. Or was, in the least, the catalyst of events that led to a saving. More times than not, people don’t want to be saved and that’s why it didn’t work. There is truth to the statement, “You have to want to save yourself, first.”
It’s no longer possible for me to deny that I’ve been a long-standing member of the Martyr Club. I’m actually a high-ranking official in the group- you get a special cross to show everyone at my level, but people aren’t sure if they should be jealous, or pity you and are most often left with the bitter taste of victimhood in their mouths instead. Not really. I’m making the cross part up, you don’t really get one. The rest is true though. Most of it- if there were really a club. Anyway, I’m a helluva martyr. The thing is, I never intended that. I’m more like a superhero who hasn’t quite learned how to control her powers yet…and we should all be glad that saving is my gig and not…let’s say, fire starting. To add fuel to the fire…oh the puns…I get in the way of my own training. I once told a pastor that I take my spirituality very seriously and God takes me with a side of humor. It’s true. I’ve done a lot of damage to the kingdom of heaven that I inhabit. I’ve been a catalyst for some pretty big events here too…most times taking aim at my own life like a rock thrown through the window…a dull rock. A big, heavy, less than shiny, rock. But He assures me- We just have to polish it up. The window can be fixed.
I don’t know what to do with myself these days. It’s so much easier to read, pray, learn and then counsel the masses, than it is to sit here with myself and BE saved. So easy, that at the height of it, when I was getting really good at it, He shut me down. One day I’m hanging out with the masses, all “Go get ’em tiger!” and “I’m right here holding your hand!” and the next thing I know, I’m looking out there and thinking, Something’s wrong. I look over at the Big Guy and I say,
“Do you see this? I’ve given them everything they need to save themselves and they’re still standing there acting like they never heard a word I said.” They’re like lambs to the slaughter What’s it going to take…?”
and then He cuts me off and holds up a mirror.
He’s always right like that. I feel it right in my heart, in my soul, and in my gut. He has a fantastic right hook of reality that one, and it knocked me on my ass. I’ve been sitting here ever since. I’ve gotten up a few times to rush to the aid of some poor sap who needs me and you know what happens? Nothing. I lose all my gusto before I even get there. I’m running full speed, speech planned, martyr cape on and then I see the mirror. I hear Him/me in my head saying,
“Slow down missy. You know the rule. No more saving until you’re saving yourself first. Thems the new digs, dig it?”
It’s entirely possible to argue with God. I do it all the time. When the Ego/Queen get together, I find myself on the back of their little bandwagon, beating the horses into a gallop and yelling,
“Try and stop us! I double dog dare you!” (insert maniacal laughter here)
However, He has a mean left hook too. When I hear Him and Me combined- When the sweet, but yet all-powerful melody of I am rings into my being…Well, the argument is over. Once the proverbial foot was put down, that was that. No more saving anyone but me. Would you like to know the craziest thing people call becoming authentic? Isolating. I finally find myself so in touch with me/Him/us, and the “everybody” of my life says I’ve isolated. I finally find the strength, the faith and courage (if you know what I mean, make no mistake, COURAGE is seeping out of your pores right now) to sit down with myself in all the icky, unpolished rubble-
Stop checking Facebook 107 times a day.
Stop checking Twitter.
End my dysfunctional relationship.
Stop every distraction including bad TV and I’m isolating?!
Crap. Am I isolating? Maybe I’m isolating? It is kind of lonely around here…Maybe I should see if everyone’s ok?
The thing is, being authentic and hanging out all day with the inseperable sense of self/God, is lonely…(whiny voice)looooonnnnnelyyyyyy! It feels isolated, but mostly like you’re being isolated against, not voluntarily choosing to reject the “normalacy” of the world and 96.457% of it’s inhabitants. Don’t forget, Jesus was born the Son of God. No one asked him if he wanted the job. It was the right thing to do. It was the loving thing to do. But, he couldn’t just sit there like….well, like a rock. I don’t debate that Jesus died for sins, but I believe that he set an example. He’s not an excuse for me to not do what’s right because he already did it. He’s not my ‘get out of jail free card’ either- he’s my mentor. He’s an aspiration. A teacher. And I’m willing to bet that he spent a lot of time…isolated…I just never forget the most important part- the resurrection.
Here’s what happened when I finally broke down (you all remember day one?) and surrendered as far as I could- He reached across and rubbed me a little. He gave me the notion that I should listen to a certain book, which said exactly what I needed to hear- roughly and horribly paraphrased of course;
When your heart is broken so many times and you’ve been carrying around little pieces as if it’s normal- dropping some here and there, giving a few, losing a few, but acting like it’s just fine…and then, you realize it most assuredly is NOT fine- you feel a little less than shiny. You feel crazy. Abandoned. Hurt. Angry. Afraid. Faithless. And it’s normal. Getting in your own way? Normal. All clichés and advice you give but never follow- absolutely true- so you should listen to you. Why? Because there are millions of people out there who don’t know that only they can save themselves- that what they seek, they are. (sigh), but YOU do, and if you don’t start living this way yourself, you can’t show them.
That’s my purpose.
It’s a lesson as old as lessons are-
We are what we seek. I am that I am. I am God and God is most definitely me. Most definitely love. Most definitely, I am because we are.
It’s day two. I feel less than shiny for sure. But I have faith that I’m merely in need of a good polishing.