The monsters breath

“When you see someone getting in their own way, do yourself a favor.  Move.”

“You know you’re in your own way again, right?” It was a rhetorical question…only I demanded an answer.  A validation.  A stab to the ego that would hopefully, but doubtfully, end the illusion that I was clearly aware of, but living in the middle of.  Yes, I am in my own way too…That’s why they call it projection you know.

“I know I am.” he answered matter of factly.

Denial being the first stage, was taken care of a long time ago.  Which is why the illusion isn’t really an illusion.  It’s why the answer doesn’t make me feel any better.  That and the fact that really, the jig is up.  I don’t know what the second stage is, but I think it’s anger.  I can’t wait.

Jesus, I’m tired of my own story now.  He’s in his own way and I’m playing the middleman.  You know what happens when you realize there is absolutely no point in the current situation?  When you realize that you are the epitome of resistance?  You freeze.  You stop.  You don’t live the lie, but you don’t live the truth either.  It’s self-awareness purgatory really.  Totally aware of what you’ve done, what you’re doing.  Absolutely aware of what you aren’t doing.  There is no illusion.  It’s like standing in the middle of a life tornado.  The eye of the storm.  It’s all spinning around you and you’re just standing there, watching.  Waiting.  Hoping that some force of God will just put an umbrella over your head and make it stop and fall because you can’t.  But God won’t.  Not for people like us.  Not for the capable.  Not for the stubborn.  You want a challenge?  Don’t do what needs to be done and watch the Universe continually, and with matched recklessness, dole out experience after experience until you break.  You have to break to mend.  All the way down.  Not to the point where you ask,

“How could it get any worse than this?”

But to the point where you KNOW, it cannot, will not, get any better until you stop getting in your own damn way.  Move.  Over.

Hello, my name is Melissa and I’m addicted to drama.

I’ve been away for a few days now.  Not just kind of away, but gone.  Away from here, away from Facebook, people, distraction.  Here’s the plan.  Me.  Eliminate all external drama.  Not because I’m mean or uncaring, but because I love drama.  It distracts me.  Eliminate all things that take me away from staying with, acknowledging, accepting, facing, me.  Even seeking advice and ‘support’- not right now.  If you want to know why you do something, anything- stop doing it.  That’s what I’m doing.  I’ve spent a lot of time dabbling in the world of drama.  Creating a world of drama.  Mastering a world of drama.

“The idea is to go through it.  Look for the other side and come out that way too.  To find myself in the process of something new and not spinning around in the same old shit that I’m still spinning in.  To say, ‘Hey, I’ve been there.  Now I’m not.  Here’s how to do it if you really want to know.  If you just want to retell the same story, compare notes, scars and drama- then you want another group.  They’re easy to find, that group.  There are thousands of them.  But, if in their company you still feel lonely, lacking…spinning…Then trust me.  You belong here.’  That’s who I am.  Who I want to be.  Not who I’m being.  I have no idea what I’m doing, but damnit- I know what not to do.

There’s a prayer, in a book, to a muse that has the phrase, ‘breathe life into it.’  I know that’s vague, but it exists.  The other day I sent myself a text,

“What am I breathing life into?”

Death.  I’m breathing life into death and as you can imagine, it’s not working.  Let the dead bury the dead.  It’s so simple that again, I over complicate it.  I think too much.  I am boring myself with my own life, my own story.  I am …

When you find that you are asking yourself what in the hell you’re doing with a person who says you’re too smart to be that stupid, that your favorite qualities about you are not at all redeeming to them and that they are admittedly in their own way, (or any variation of such bullshit) you are getting exactly what you deserve.  That’s rough.  It’s harsh.  It’s decidedly, unequivocally, the absolute truth.  And you have two choices.  Live the lie and die inside, or live the truth and heal.

“You can’t be completely committed some of the time.”

It’s better than never, I agree.  It’s a start.  It’s the thing that makes us read the books, write in the journal, change the way we eat, sleep, act…but then strangely,  those things that we thought would set us free-that without a doubt, would propel us forward into the life we want and deserve- become the very things holding us back.  Another distraction.  There is only one way to move forward- action.  Not to read about it.  Write about it.  Analyze and emphasize it, but to act on it.  It’s hard.  So hard that lately I pray that it will become more unbearable to sit here and spin my wheels than to release the break and roll baby…R-O-double LL- Roll!

“We imbue the telling of our story and the reactions of self and others to the tale, with a sense of familiar comfort…It’s not until we outgrow the tale of our created life, that we see it was the monster in the closet all along.”

Recently I told a friend that I felt like I was trying to squeeze into skin that no longer fit.  The question isn’t why doesn’t it fit anymore? Or, how can I make it fit again?  The question is, Why in the holy hell would I want it to?  The answer is, I don’t.  But the queen does.

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  1. #1 by Running from Hell with El on January 10, 2013 - 10:32 pm

    The only way forward is forward. The only way to build something beautiful is to build something beautiful. Love you.

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