one step forward, two steps back…where is my shoe?

Let me start by saying that most of life is trial and error. My life anyway. I’m also like a teenager just learning to drive- of course I know what I’m doing=gas. Wait, what am I doing?=brakes. My life resembles a whiplash victim. How did this happen again? Why did this happen again? I was cruising along nicely…(no, I wasn’t, but it looked good) and then BAM! Not really. It was more like the car that I barely know how to drive, ran out of gas. I just pittered to a stop. Blah. It was more like a blah. I woke up and thought, shit. Where’s my shoe?

The thing is, I’m making strides. My insides are changing a little at a time. I know this. Not all is lost or in vain. The other shoe is probably under the bed. But I feel like I just took the equivalent from man to ape on the self scale in terms of growth. I did it all. No boundaries. Living a relationship that’s anything but loving. I fought with my first ex husband over money and custody- within hearing distance of our daughter. I talked to an ex boyfriend that’s crazy- god love him. I put myself in a position to hold valuable information over another in my hands and destroy his life. Seriously. That was one day. How does this happen? How does the queen pick herself up off of the floor like that, crawl to the door, open it and release the hounds so quickly? Do you really want to know?

(If I tell you, I have to live it. YOU get off the hook by being able to say, “I don’t understand.” but I do understand and so, I have to do this…I don’t know if I want to tell you. Ok. for the sake of the kingdom, I will.)

“You know the nearer your destination,
The more you’re slip slidin’ away.”
-Paul Simon
I was near the end. The climax. The point of no return. The destination.  All of which is really just the set up for the next, completely different, absolutely changed, unpredictable and new beginning. And that bitch pulled out all of the stops. If you believe in manifestation, know this; what your authentic self is capable of is limitless- but, if you don’t get a handle on your false self, the road goes both ways and it will manifest every demon in every form to hold your soul still…Doubt Satan? Consider “him” symbolically and take a gander at the list of hell I unleashed in one afternoon. I was in need of a good ol’ exorcism and thank Heaven it came in the form it did. She says she runs from hell, but to be honest, I think she ran through it so many times that now she can just dash right in and grab souls like mine as she passes to the other side. So here I am. She dropped me off at the doorstep of self and said,

“Here, she belongs to you. I didn’t see her shoe though. She needs a new pair anyways.”

Damage control is a major pain in the ass. The fantastic thing is this; stop causing the damage and it stops damaging. That’s the first step. Stop.

The next step isn’t so easy. Recently I read, re read, purchased on audio and quoted a book called, Do The Work, by Steven Pressfield. The follow-up book to it is called, The War of Art. Both books grabbed my soul, yanked it to the surface and shouted,

“Behold! Here it is! The key. The answer. Told in a way that you’ve been craving- with an edge. In a way that makes it humanly possible to do this- not the calling of saints and christ types, but them and YOU.”

My heart shifted. My insides slid further into the light. My self said, Hell yes! I’m here! I’m here! And then the Queen woke up and said,

“What are you babbling about?”

“The work”, I mumbled. And then she looked around the kingdom and shrieked,

“What the Hell have you done?!”

It’s going to be like that for a while I guess. I’m reminded of something Pema Chodron said once, we pay it no mind. A sideways glance. Maybe that’s the next step. Ignoring. Starving. Stopping. That’s the biggest mistake I made. I started something and then I didn’t stop it. For days I had felt isolated. Alone. Lonely. I should have stayed with it, but I didn’t. I opened the door just a crack and the people just kept coming. I gave the universe/queen/satan/pandora a way in and they rushed me. I became, as stated in my new favorite books, an armature. Damn it all. I want to be a pro.

How does one live an authentic life? I don’t exactly know. Yesterday I had a thought though;

If you want to know what really is, look at what isn’t. Look at what NOT to do because we all know that. We all know what not to do in life.  That’s how we know what TO do.

Those things I do and then ask, Why did I do that? Again? That’s how I get authentic. I stop doing what I know NOT to do and see what is written in the space between. In a lesson in The Course in Miracles it says our Ego (false self/the queen) challenges God (true self). I get that. In those moments of loneliness and isolation, I have to stay with myself and God and let the truth fill that space. Not challenge it. Not write a story that makes me look and or feel better.  I have to drop the story completely and rely soley on the truth.  I get that I am still of half faith. Often trying to be who I am not, but whom I think I should be. Who I think God thinks I should be, even though I know there’s no such thought. The other half of faith is knowing that I am never lacking. I’m of half faith because I don’t believe and accept the other parts of me. How can I win the war if I am fighting the wrong battles? Love thy enemy. Isn’t that how it goes? Yesterday I posted on Facebook;

Knowing your own self and being true to you is your shield. Because everyone has an opinion about who you are. Especially those who lack truth- and that is their greatest weapon. Better to protect yourself from the blows than lash out and wound others. It leaves you exposed and now you have wounded yourself as well. What you do to others, you do to yourself.

If I apply that to my ego…to the Queen. Wow. It completely works. The ego is full of opinions about the self (me). It lacks truth. That’s how she hurts me. And when I try to fight back, I just leave myself exposed. In trying to destroy my ego, I am destroying myself. What if I just put up the shield and let her wear herself down? What if I respect her? The Buddhists talk of respecting the enemy. Of facing fear and asking, how can I defeat you? Maybe I’m fighting the wrong battle.

“This was no longer a game or a lighthearted adventure. This was war, and it seemed that the battlefield was in his own heart and mind; something old and hurt was in conflict with something that was beginning to emerge.”
Crossroads- Paul Young.

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  1. #1 by Running from Hell with El on January 6, 2013 - 8:12 am

    This is brilliant. It’s really gratifying to see a writer who is able to construct and compose as well as she conceives and comprehends. This paragraph is where it’s at:

    “Knowing your own self and being true to you is your shield. Because everyone has an opinion about who you are. Especially those who lack truth- and that is their greatest weapon. Better to protect yourself from the blows than lash out and wound others. It leaves you exposed and now you have wounded yourself as well. What you do to others, you do to yourself.”

    Rock on!

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