Recently I started talking to a friend who has written a book. I put her on a pedestal that she refuses to stand on, but because we both know that she belongs there, we work with each other at this crazy little configuration of equality. Every talk with her leads me to something closer to myself. Some of it I don’t want to see, some of it I relish in, but I can’t turn my back on any of it. She’s like a child with a magnifying glass in the sun…and she makes me shine while she burns me. And it is this that I love about her most. This and what I’m experiencing now, which is this weird sense of deja vu that I get when I’m writing her. I don’t believe in past lives, I believe in parallel lives…and I know that somewhere at this exact moment, her and I are sitting on the porch of my plantation estate, sipping something and saying,
Somehow a dream led me back to her. But that’s for a different day. The message I sent myself that night went to two people besides myself because I knew I needed them. Their space to share in. Their thoughts and soul intuition. It was in this banter that I somehow came to this morning and picking up a book that I’ve had for three weeks now. Do The Work, by Steven Pressfield. As a writer it will forever change me. I read the entire thing in one sitting. Remarking out loud to a man who can’t hear me (hello drama queen) and silently via messenger to my friend. I was in tears and laughter. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops…Buy a copy for everyone I knew- Read it!! But alas, can’t. It’s giving my pearls away…so I threw it out there anyway in hopes that someone would find its blessing and then I moved on. I read it cover to cover and a peculiar thing happened at first…Two things actually.
Every time I read the word “Resistance”, I would see the word “Relationship”. Hello Freud. It’s at times like this I remember Tom telling me once to go with Freud and it led to this epiphany of sorts…the sort that change you a little bit in a major way. The forever way. While I’m experiencing this, my other mind is off on some tangent about needing to write a book about this book…about the theory of resistance as it applies to relationships. I need to interpret it in regards to relationships. Notes jotted. Epiphany suddenly realized; Resistance=Relationship, or vice versa? And so I think.
The struggle I’ve been with for months now is this; Have I done my best to make my relationship work or have I done what I always do and walk away? Now the thing here is this; Had I known what I know now, I’d have never let this relationship go on past the second week. Ever. So the logical conclusion is this; No. I haven’t done my best because I’m in a relationship I should have never been in. My best would be to walk away and I haven’t. As a matter of fact, (light bulb and bells please) I’ve never walked away from any unhealthy relationship. I’ve never cut ties. I have strings. An overly large amount of unravelling ropes…All I have to do is look at my ex husbands, my boyfriend and my family to see that. The issue isn’t whether or not I’ve tried hard enough. The issue is, what I’m trying for and with who. Better yet, WHY? As it turns out this is the perfect relationship, or it was. No, it is. I’m still learning. It’s ok to have training wheels. You have to know when to take them off. My training wheels have to come off. My relationship has become my resistance. How many epiphanies is that?
So…reading Resistance as Relationship.
I had this moment this morning where I asked myself, what are you resisting? Are you resisting loving him? Isn’t your goal to be this all loving person? Isn’t that why you go to your friend and say, I’m so angry…Why am I angry? Why can’t I love him and not be angry? Because silly, you’re resisting the anger. Let it in. Let it out. Let it go. Hello Love. Ta Da! I’m resisting walking away from the relationship. I can’t hold onto him in love. I have to let him go in love.
And then I have to write a book on it.
Dig it. I absolutely do.