Dear Big Guy,
I get it. The answer is forgiveness. I get that the answer is love. I get that every moment I am angry, it should become a moment of love. I get that to the extent I am “out there”, I feel that separation “in here.” I understand that I will allow others to do to me no more, but no less, than the amount of self love I possess. I get that when I yell at the beautiful, blue eyed, three foot tall, blonde in my house- I am not angry at her at all. I’m angry at me. Tom was right. I’m seething and it’s all because I’m angry that I put up with so much shit in my life. That I create it…
The thing is- I get it, ALL of it. And damn it, I’m still seething. I’m in hold. I’m stuck. I keep starting sentences with “I am”, knowing that what is actually being said is, God is…and God cannot be seething. So again, I’ve cut myself off from God. You know, it would just be easier if you could reach out or down, whatever, just reach out and punch me square in the face! Ah, but guess what else I know? God is within. I wrote that. Instead of waiting for God to reach out and touch you, reach IN and touch God. This is why religion is a crutch and God is what saves. Because only God says,
“It’s already in you. I’m already here. I have never left you. I cannot go. You keep pulling away, running away, separating from me, from us…but I remain. I am right here. Repeat after me Melissa, I AM right here. Right now. Stand still and stay. Do nothing. Wait. And for Christ’s sake, be patient!”
I’m not really stuck. I’m defiant. Defiance is resisting and resisting is suffering. I’m so tired of suffering. But I get that it’s a normal process. What isn’t normal is inducing suffering. Looking for suffering. Inflicting suffering. Creating suffering. Damn that Drama Queen. Defiance is like useless rebellion. It isn’t the same as changing. Defiance isn’t a process- It’s the holding pattern. Resisting the pain of a situation isn’t the same as processing through the pain and eliminating the situation…Staying with it until it dissipates.
I’m not angry now. Thank you for that. I just needed to hear God’s voice…Which is my voice- though my half is often more a whisper…a cry. A desperate plea in the moments of “Why has God forsaken me?” and he answers back,
“For God’s sake Melissa, stop forsaking yourself!”