“In that moment, I realized he had not abandoned me. He had not abandoned the girls. He had not abandoned “our family”. I had abandoned it all myself.
He never loved me because I didn’t love me.
And from that moment on, my new prayer became the only thing I could think of that would cover all of my bases and confuse the Queen-
“Please God, let me BE Love.”
That was the message I sent myself today. Sitting on the cushions on the floor trying to blame my current emotional state on something more tangible than inner discontentment- the likes of which cannot be dealt with in any other way than “staying”. God, how I hate “staying”. Almost as much as I hate using the shift key every time I type the letter I, as in me. (I blame El for that. El and accountability.) I wanted to blame my current state on gluten. Or hormones. Maybe the Maca powder? Nah, it’s hormones…but it isn’t any of those things. It’s her.
Let’s understand the Queen a bit better. She is me, but I am most assuredly not her. Some people call it “the ego”, which lacks color and personality both of which she has. In The Untethered Soul, written by Michael Singer, he calls it your “inner roommate”. It’s one of my favorite descriptions so far- the crazy roommate that you share every moment with. The scene in the book where the roommate sits on the couch to watch TV is one of the best parts in the book- funny even, though at times, like today, it’s not really funny at all. Today, I just pray that I can muster up enough “I AM” to beat who I do not wish to be. So, recap. The Drama Queen, for all intent and purpose, is my ego. And my heart, is her kingdom. Not really, but so to speak. Really, it’s my kingdom. As in, Heaven on earth- as soon as I rid it of her evil reign. I struggle a bit with her death…But I haven’t decided yet if that’s just a “love” complex, or her trickery…?
So, today. Cushions, gluten, hormones, staying…BAM! Epiphany. You know, they lack the luster they once had…When you realize that it all, ALL, comes back to YOU… When you realize that no matter what you do, how you say it, replay it, revamp it, retell it…it always comes back to you- the magic wears down a bit. You know you’re supposed to be thankful for these moments of realization, that to be of half faith is better than no faith and aren’t we so blessed to have this kind of problem? But really, I miss the magic. So there I am- and I realize, it’s not him. It’s never him. (at times like this, i miss the queen’s smile…) It isn’t that he abandoned us- it’s that I abandoned us to chase him down and pathetically drag him into our “family” which was never ours in the first place. I abandoned myself and my family to drag someone into something to make it whole. What the hell? It was whole already! Why couldn’t I see that?! It’s like I had this beautiful, working being and decided,
“No- That whole one head thing…I don’t think it’s enough. We should have TWO heads. With two heads I will feel better and we will be more…whole. I think I might be whole already, but I’m not sure, so to be safe, I’m going to be more whole.”
But it didn’t work. I sewed his head on and it was infected with something…which in turn, activated my infection that I had been trying to clear up. Why can’t we just feel well enough? When we’re relationship sick, why can’t we just crawl in bed and rest? bah. So the head was infected, and guess what? Did I try to get rid of the infection? No sir! I tried to heal it. I tried to fix it. Make it better. I even gave it all of my healthy parts…I abandoned myself, my health, my life, my God, my children, my path, to drag him down a new path…and here’s where the lesson of “it always comes back to you” gets really painful- I abandoned him in the process of helping him to abandon himself. Make no mistake- what you do to yourself, you do to others. I was all wrong for him.
I could’ve just said,
“This isn’t going to work. You’re funny and good-looking and rough around the edges like me, but it’s clear that I have a whole lot of what you don’t even want, so I’m gonna move on now…”
But I didn’t. Nope. I said something silently and more like,
“You’re an ass and on a spiritual, emotional level, I’m in the basement and still two full floors ahead of you. BUT, I think I can change you and you should want to change because no one really wants to be an ass and the Queen says you’re never going to love me anyways, so we’re halfway there to failure as it is! YES! Let’s drag this out!”
And we have. For two and a half years.
It’s Christmas day. And I haven’t heard from him. It’s been anxiety upon anxiety with some respite mixed in somewhere at times. Maybe it’s hormones? Damn it. I knew it. It’s me. He never loved me because I never loved me and I couldn’t love him because he can’t love him. That’s seriously how it works. Seriously.
The Queen has to go because she’s in my way. I know the answers because I am the answers. But she’s in my way. The ego is a powerful bitch, make no mistake about it. When you know that you absolutely, should not, under any circumstance, call, email, text, write, and or, smoke signal a person OR reply to any of the above from them, and then you DO IT ANYWAY- that my love, is the Queen (or I guess King) ruling the kingdom. But it’s YOUR kingdom damn it! Take it back. Take it back now. Sometimes I say, please god help me…and sometimes I just say,
“Dear God, that bitch has got to go!”
Because I know that God hears me as me and reveals himself in a way that I understand best.
In the end, he never abandoned me. He never hurt me. He never lied to me, or was uncommitted to me. He was never anything better or worse than he knew how to be at that moment. And neither was I. This isn’t about forgiving him, though I say it a hundred times a day…
“I forgive you Chris and I release you to the Holy Spirit.”
God hears me as me and he knows that what I’m really saying is what I say a THOUSAND times a day,
“I forgive myself and release me to the Holy Spirit.”
And it still sounds strange. It looks strange, sitting here looking at it in print, but the thing is, on my best day, my way never worked. Ever. And I tried for a long, long time. So I guess maybe, it always comes back to two things….Me