What is this, really?

It’s clear to me that what I miss about him, has nothing to do with him.

How could it when I’m looking through eyes of what was (which was never really as good as I remember it to be) and eyes of what wasn’t?  (in any form)

The book is right…I see only the past.  My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.  I see nothing as it is now.  Unless I try really, really hard.

The truth is that bitch had to go- the drama queen.  She was ruining my life, had ruined a huge chunk of it…how did I miss her?  How did she manage to hide in the shadows for so long and then appear so justified in doing it, long after I discovered her?

“You need me.” she said

“I’m your inner badass.” she smirked…

and honestly, I liked her smile.  I liked how tough she was, how brash and bold and so…so…so badass.  She was everything I had never been.  She was a far cry from that beauty queen that had gotten under the feet of everyone and on the nerves of everyone else.  What had happened to HER?  One day she’s adorable and cute and the next day, she’s losing her mind and crying all over the place.  No wonder her parents couldn’t take her.  All that neediness.  Yep.  The drama queen was much more adapt at handling the rejection and subsequent alone time that the beauty queen had crumbled under.  But make no mistake…she was a defeatist.  she looked tough, she looked like she was winning the war, but really, she was slitting our throats and the throats of anyone that came near us.  So she had to go.  But not without a fight that started almost 9 years ago…and trust me, she’s still fighting.  We’ll get to that later.  It’s a process.

Tonight I didn’t even feel like writing.  I don’t feel like it now either.  It’s not even HIM that I miss.  It’s the idea of him.  It’s the idea of being alone.  It’s the fear of failure.  But it is not him.  She may be a badass, but she’s one codependent bitch.

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